Back Again So Soon, G? ...Yup.

 

Pretty accurate description of arriving in 2021 from 2020.
(via GIPHY)

Happy New Year!

Welp-- we made it out of the absolute shxtstorm that was 2020! How do you feel? I hope you're feeling optimistic. I also hope (obvi) that you are safe and healthy.

I'm of the mind that if we can survive 2020, we can probably get through nearly any challenge. We lost so many this year to the novel coronavirus, to violence, to just plain stupid shxt. It has been a trying year financially, especially for those of us in the entertainment industry. This is where learning to adapt and shift has come in most handy. We've tried to find new ways to bring income down as we cannot do live shows right now (even though I would love to do drive-in shows). We've livestreamed and been part of virtual cons, which were all fun!

I can only hope that 2021 is a better year; I sincerely hope that we don't regress into like, the zombie apocalypse everyone seems to think is coming. For one thing, I haven't trained hard enough yet, LOL.

Now, this... I trained for.
(via GIPHY)

The end of 2020 was interesting as I had featured on two projects with The Real Mike Wilson by then and I'd released a holiday single, something I'd always wanted to do, but hadn't done before! I'm glad I did. Have you heard it yet? Yeh-- I know the holidays are over, but there's stil Dia de Los Tres Reyes and this is still kinda appropriate... check it out:

I'm going to do whatever I can to make 2021 be a great year as well. For starters, I have a thing coming up that my tracks have been selected for, and I can't wait to see how this is going to turn out. I'm excited.

What are your plans for 2021? If you don't have any, that's fine-- sometimes plans don't work exactly like you'd hoped. 2020 definitely drilled that lesson home. It's about having to navigate the flow of things, not just going constantly with the flow. 

Here's to navigating!

I Admit It. I Have To Do Better.

Sorry, yawl.
(via GIPHY)

I don't know why it is so difficult for me to keep up with my blog. I find myself apologising to you lot more often than not. I'm sorry I haven't been active, and I will try to do better with this.

I. Can't. Even.
(via GfyCat)

Things have seemingly gone to shxt, haven't they? Life as we knew it has become something entirely different. You're locked down in the house. Any plans you had are suddenly up in the air or obliterated. None of the days feel like what they are (every day feels like Sunday to me). Nothing is certain-- not that things were before, but this really is a take-it-day-by-day situation. Moment-by-moment, even. This is how I've had to handle things.

I'm good.
(via GIPHY)

It hasn't been that difficult for me, the lockdown, and I can thank my only-child upbringing for that. I've baked bread, written lyrics, worked on a novel, updated my website, taken some (or started taking some) courses, made plans on how to best utilise my time, and just practised gratitude. I had been doing that in some form or fash anyway, but I have been doing it even more as of late. I really am grateful that I have this crazy clowder, who I love dearly.


I have also been taking more time to chat with my ancestors when I pray. I've begun living my life knowing that they are behind me, beside me, in front of me. I thank them for their contributions and for guiding me every day.

I have also been reading a lot. I can always turn to that when I have nothing else to do. It's one of my favourite pastimes anyway, but I know that if I don't have power, I can always find a flashlight and dig into a book.

It hasn't always been easy-- life still throws challenges at you (Peace broke my Sekhmet's arm off, our property management is being kind of a...pain, where the hell are eggs when you want them, the rum's gone) -- but it's also sent some bright spots (I'll be gifted another Sekhmet, someone gave us some eggs, people have been very generous, I went live on Instagram with one of my homies and did some songs). You take the bitter with the sweet, I suppose.

Yesterday, things finally came to a head for a situation in my life, and I am still reeling from that. I can only hope that this means I can make a way forward unfettered. Hoist my colours and bring me that horizon.

Yeh.
(via GIPHY)

I hope that, despite the fact that I cannot seem to stay blogging or sending a regular newsletter, you will continue to stick by me, GNOtaku. It seems that the wind is changing.

Open Letter To Whichever Con, Venue, or Event Is Guilty

Dear Anime Cons, Pop Culture Cons, Venues, And Other Geeky Events:

I posted this on IG once. Some broad tagged her g/f  with"WTF is she on? LOL"
I answered: "Another level. Next!"
📸credit: L.I.T. Photography

Yeh, so, I'm not visually Japanese or passable for Japanese.
I can't pass the Paper Bag Test or be part of the Blue Vein Society.

I don't have the fabled "good hair".
I'm not size 4. I don't have the ecchi body.

I don't do accurate full-on cosplays because I *am* my own cosplay.
I may not be your idea of kawaii, but frfr: Kawaii isn't *supposed* to be purrfect or the conventional beauty.

I'm not as nerdcore as I'd like to be (haven't found the right producer who has the stones to work with me on it).
I don't have the social media numbers of some of my colleagues.

Yes, I *am* a hip-hop artist.

This doesn't mean I am inappropriate, scary, that ALL my material is riddled with violence or curses or the N-word every three words, or I cannot be "family-friendly". Sure--I do have some stuff with profanity or provocative subject matter because life ain't Mr. Rogers Neighbourhood, but you will *never* hear me purrform any of it at a family event.

Awh. Loved this guy.
(via Tenor)

I am in my own lane, on the same highway as other people of my ilk. I know that some of you have overlooked me for something "safer", something more aesthetically pleasing...more Japanese. I have been in talks with some of you only to be ignored, and see other acts be chosen instead, who get away with using hip-hop in their music influences, and I am no worse than they are. (Yeh. I saw that.)

I totally did.
(via gifs.com)

I may not be any of the things above, but I am professional, I am good at what I do, and at least I'm not visually uninteresting.
I don't think I should be mushed aside because I am not any of the above. I was still relevant to your event. It's not as if you didn't have acts there.

ThaGataNegrra isn't a gimmick, and is just barely an alter ego. This is what you get all the time. I may not be as visually loud when I'm going to Walmart or whatever, but those cat ears may as well be grafted to my head because that's me. ALLA. DAMNED. TIME.

Again: The kawaii is real, not some shxt I made up to seem interesting or appealing.
The geekiness is real, not geek chic like some prominent female rappers I could name.

The ears are worn because channeling totems, not because they cute. If that were the case you'd only see me with them onstage and in pix (Catch me at Shoprite and see if I'm fxcking kidding).

I come to you because where *else* am I going to be appreciated? Certainly not with what you assume is "my kind" musically. But it's like everything else: it's okay if someone not as heavily melanated is doing it. Straight up-- if I could pass the paper bag test...you would be all over me.

Deal with that for a minute. Marinate in it.


A lot of you "nerdy" promoters are fxcking guilty of this harsh fact. Don't think I don't look at your pictures of your events. I do.

I have been lied to numerous times by promoters to deter me from participating in events-- any thing from "The dj doesn't have a mic" to "we don't have the space".

I have been straight ignored by photographers at events for whatever reason.

I've heard some people were afraid I'd outshine them so they didn't book me, which...what the actual hell? REALLY?

In some cases, I'm pretty sure my name has been smeared and rumours spread to cast doubt on me. If you listened or entertained any thoughts that they were true, for even one second, you are an asshole. Yeh--I *said* it. You should have come to me and asked yourself.

Yawl cannot have it both ways. Do *not* smile in my face then stab me in the back. At least have the decency to let me see the knife coming.

That said, I'm gonna thank those who took a chance on me and wasn't scared off by anything. I know that has changed now for a lot of you. It is what it is. I'll live. As I've said before, I don't expect you to get me now.

Maybe you'll see me again. Maybe you won't. Still going to be me with or without you.

Open Letter To My "Peers"

Dear Local Hip-Hop Artists and Purists And Those Who Had Big Chat On What I Do:

Pretty much.
(via Black World Films)

Yes, my paws are on a different path from yours.
That hardly makes me any less valid.
I'm of a different breed.

I come from a school half of you younger artists know nothing about. A different code that many of you spat upon because those before you who knew better spat upon it to stay relevant and not look "stupid" in front of their/yer boys.

And I was never understood so I don't expect you to get it now.

I knew what I was doing, I knew my mission, and if you think that what I did was worthless--think again.

I knew that I was on a hard mission to have folx remember what the purrpose of the MC was and still could be. I haven't forgotten. The *rest* of you have.

Oh, BTDubs:

Did *you* get scouted for a popular show?
Did they use *your* music in two seasons?
Did LA Mag's Blog include *you* in a list of artists you should hear?
Are *you* collecting royalties from it?

Lemme know, nuh...

via Giphy

Are you versatile and flexible? Prolly not. "Flexible" does not equal being able to rhyme about bxtches in one track, hoes in another, and weed in the next, and knowing whether to use the hard ER in that N-word yawl like to throw around so much. "Flexible" does not mean "do I wear the snapback to the front or back? Do I swagger or do I just stand there onstage and hold my balls?" "Do I come for all the competition with venom and diss trax because I need to prove I'm the baddest bxtch out there cuz there can only be one?"

Yup. That's that REAL hip-hop (sarcastic font *heavily* on).

Yeah-huh. Sure.
(via Giphy)

See, my flex is what you *haven't* seen. Yawl too fxcking judgmental. Yawl was so busy looking at the ears, the hair and the gear that you just dismissed my ability altogether.

(I'm not talking to yawl con folx and event planners...that's a whole other post. I might have words for yawl, too, so be patient.)

I may not have been worthy to be doing yawl's shows, interview segs, and whatever the fxck else yawl came up with to clique up strong, but I know who I am and what I bloody stand for.

👏🏾I. 👏🏾LIVE. 👏🏾 IN.👏🏾MY. 👏🏾TRUTH.

Can you really say the same?
The kawaii is real, not some shxt I made up to seem interesting.
The geekiness is real, not geek chic like some prominent female rappers I could name.

The ears are worn because channeling totems, not because they cute. If that were the case you'd only see me with them onstage and in pix (catch me at Shoprite and see if I'm fxcking kidding).

And what I write is real, not manufactured for the fxcking masses. I didn't visually or musically genre-jump to seem fresh and new. Influences abound because I actually listened to and liked that music/those clothes.

I didn't bite off another's whole lyrical style like some mainstream artists and then win awards for it, and get praise for being "real". I *stayed* real from the jump.

Nobody cosigned me.

I'd give you my kicks to walk in but they might fit funny and not be your style. They're custom...and floss free.

Living in your truth *IS* hip-hop.
And that's all I've ever done from the get-go.
Maybe you should re-evaluate yourselves and live in yours...not what you *think* is yours.

Regarding The Song Whose Title I Won’t Post In This Blog Title

Hey, minna-san...
I know-- it's been like literally a year since I last posted. I have to admit it's because I just kind of fell off. I had no net for a minute, and then I was just still trying to figure out what I wanted to do with the design of the site and everything. Plus touring and making re-release plans for "P.R.O.W.L.", raising my clowder...it's been a lot. So I apologise.

This is long, so getcher popcorn ready, GNOtaku.

I wrote a note on Facebook awhile back about one of the songs on "P.R.O.W.L." that I got into a row with one of my team about; a title I cannot really mention here due to issues brought on by a narcissistic entity. Someone took it upon themselves to trademark a phrase that I had been using for years because they were butthurt that 0 Fxcks Given has been my policy for dealing with them for nearly the past ten years. That, and a party thrown last year after freaking Newark Comic Con. Petty revenge-- usual modus operandi for them, I suppose, to throw a monkey wrench in my plans per the norm. Stop "the bomb from becoming".

Another one I had to make. It happens.

Get over it, Veruca. The bomb is still becoming. The bomb is ALWAYS becoming.

...but I digress. That's the abridged version of the backstory.

The argument was that I was “too talented” to just "write responses" to the aforementioned person, and I needed to start writing hits, which, in their opinion, I was good at doing. As if writing responses to them is all I ever do--like that's my whole catalogue.

Which, whether or not they want to accept it, the song I’m referring to above (which I also cannot post here) is decidedly not.

In 2011, after Y E A R S of taking shxt and abuse from her camp and fanbase--up to and including death threats to myself and some GNOtaku--I finally decided to tell my side of things in the way I knew to express myself best--I fxcking rhymed the shxt out of it.




I argued, “No-- this ^^^ was the response to her.” Like, six fxcking years ago...

I argued that they were gonna think what they wanted, no matter what I said, since they had it in their head that E V E R Y T H I N G I bloody do is a response to her--much like she does, come to that. I said I can’t worry about what other people think on what I do, or how it looks to the neighbours. Did too much of that in Past-Life (pre-GATA); ain’t nobody got time for that shxt now.

I will admit, now that I think about it (and I actually have said this out loud before), that I have a lot to purge about the stuff that is still happening, the stuff I haven’t addressed, the stuff the babymomma was doing, the shxt they did to both of us together that I feel I truly need to get rid of. IDGAFF if they hear it, cuz it’s not for them.

It’s for me. To cleanse me. My own form of therapy. Not everything has to be a diss track or a response.

But, again, just to be clear--and for those in the rafters not tryna hear me:

THE SONG THAT I MENTION BUT AM NOT POSTING IS NOT ABOUT OR A RESPONSE FOR THAT PERSON.

The argument got so heated--with supposed examples to back it up on their end (of which they admitted they had no source but themselves)--that I eventually had to abruptly end the conversation. I was frustrated beyond frustrated. WTF. Why is this even an issue?

I even asked them if they REALLY listened to the lyrics of the song. I mean...they should have done, for good reason, because this individual is in my camp. I’m guessing no...because if they had, they wouldn’t have fixed their face to say this to me, and argue me down about it.

It occurred to me that I should prolly just break down the lyrics.

Here I present the lyrics, broken down, to the song. I should probably do this on Genius someday.




I came out swinging fighting for every single breath
(I was born with a condition that caused me to be born prematurely. I had to fight said condition to stay alive.)

Prolly keep on fighting till I lay down for my death
(Said because that seems to be my lot in life since my birth. I’ve had to fight many battles just to exist. I’m still fxcking fighting them and I imagine I will have to until I’m gone.)

They don’t make ‘em like me no more prolly never did
Dime a doz nah cuz you can see I’m not a typ

–ical chyck I’m a new brew for yer palate
(Well, that’s self-explanatory. I have always been different. The mold was broken, I’m not a dime a dozen, etc. I’m not what people expect when you say “hip-hop artist”. Or, “from Newark”, for that matter. “New brew”--different from what folx are used to. Tea metaphor.)

Hitting like Mjolnir or a cartoon mallet
(I might knock you for a loop like Thor’s hammer or one of those Looney Tunes Acme mallets, because you might not know what to make of me.)

That ain’t all folx (another Looney Tunes reference) I’m just getting gwan
I’m here to educate you on the vida of the nyan
(NYANVIDA--”nyan life”. My philosophy as such: The importance of being yourself and being brave enough to stand and roar your truth.)

Blackest cat on the block blackest sheep in the flock
No place in my race wouldn’t fit in a box
(I didn’t belong anywhere. Still don’t quite belong anywhere: “blackest sheep”. And people had trouble putting me in a niche, so I was always labeled “white”. So eff them--”blackest cat”.)

So I had no choice but to follow my voice
Rocking the box the new style bring the noise
(I decided to just be me, and rhyme what I rhyme, about what I choose, what was true for me, not for everyone else. I reference some of my  influences by their lyrics: Run-DMC, Beastie Boys, Public Enemy.)

I took the red pill evolved to black cat
Heralded my change and the clones don’t accept that
(“The Matrix” reference, meaning that I chose to follow truth [the red pill] and embraced who I am fully [the name change on all fronts, until I also did it legally] and there was and still is a tonne of opposition because I had the clitoral fortitude to do this for me, and we all know people hate what they don’t get, and are mad that they don’t have the nuts to do the same [a “glitch in their matrix”]. I evolved to Gata Negrra/ThaGataNegrra. Simply saying it aloud, writing it down repeatedly, that was the signal for the evolution. I was my own herald [“it happens when they change something”].)

Capitalise yeh I did it-- spay me never
You tore me down I pulled myself together
(Partly references the fact that I capitalise it [and had been capitalising it for years] for emphasis [GATA] and that I took me and ran with it. References being shat on for doing this, for shedding my Past-Life energy, for knowing that I am resilient. I didn’t stay broken.)

T-h-a G-a-t-a … N-e-g-r-r-a
T-r-u-e O-r-i-g-i-n-a-l G-a-t-a
Whatcha say whatcha say…
T-h-a G-a-t-a… N-e-g-r-r-a
T-r-u-e O-r-i-g-i-n-a-l G-a-t-a
All day all day
(Literally spelling it out for you. Affirming that this is me “all day”.)

There was a time when they thought Dei sold out
So I evolved transformed and rolled out
I bumped her off so there wouldn’t be no doubt
I wasn’t soft I was letting my bold out
(This is about Past-Lifer. I had a different name, the nickname for which was Dei [dee], and once I had been liberated of my place in my former tribe and went out on my own musically, there was criticism on several fronts that I had “gone soft” and “become a dance diva”. “You’re not supposed to be doing this type of shxt,” they said. That last came from a source that I trusted at the time; they may have lied about everything else, but on this they were spot on.

So, I “killed” her. I began again. I remember actually saying: “I’m gonna have to kill this bxtch” out loud. So I evolved--loudly. Or, more accurately: continued to evolve more loudly; the evolution was already happening before I realised it. The bomb was already becoming.
 You know where “transform and roll out” comes from.)

All I ever did was land on my feet
And the powers that be pointed that out to me
They said “Daughter go be ‘xactly who you meant to be
You are duality and adaptability
(This is referencing a dream/vision I had about Bast and Sekhmet. They were the ones who encouraged me to go full-on and reinvent myself. Also, cats land on their feet--more points to my resilience. Duality, meaning I’m both dark and light, sweet/tart, you get the idea. And adaptability speaks for itself.)

“Sun moon stars go and craft those bars
Break your chains show the world those scars
You earned them from a hard-won battle well-fought
Honour us honour you honour them with what you brought”
(Short version of O/our conversation in the vision. “Don’t be ashamed of all the scars you earned from your fight. Show them. Free yourself. Embrace yourself and all your flaws. By doing so, you honour Us, and in turn, yourself” and you, GNOtaku, by proxy, because it would be dishonourable to you for me to be phony. Kind of like that “freedom is power” speech in Catwoman, except for real.)

So I’m coming at you from my temple cell in the booth
Some nyan cuz it’s cute I nyan cuz it’s truth
You see me see me rock my nekomimi mimi while
Some do it for looks I do it cuz life and style
(I’m telling you this on record, in the recording booth, my room in my sanctuary; my habitat. Some say “nyan” [Japanese onomatopoeia for the sound a cat makes] because it’s cute/kawaii, but it’s a badge of honour for me as a cat grrrl [not that it’s not kawaii; it’s just not the main why]. I wear the ears/am a catgrrrl [nekomimi] while I do this because it’s part of who I am, not some fashion statement.)

T-h-a G-a-t-a … N-e-g-r-r-a
T-r-u-e O-r-i-g-i-n-a-l G-a-t-a
Whatcha say whatcha say…
T-h-a G-a-t-a… N-e-g-r-r-a
T-r-u-e O-r-i-g-i-n-a-l G-a-t-a

I am living breathing cognitive dissonance
(Weird, yes, I know. Cognitive dissonance is “the state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes, especially as relating to behavioral decisions and attitude change.” I said this because I am a lot of things that conflict with each other, and because people are always mixed in response to what I do [“hip-hop isn’t my thing but I like your music!”].)

Brix prowling straight sui generis
(“Sui generis” is “of his, her, its, or their own kind; unique”. “Brix prowling”--going around Newark...”Brick City”.)

Tragic beautiful abysmal princess
 (places I shopped, LOL)
DiosaAniManga serving cat grrrl realness
(“Anime/Manga Cat Goddyss”. Was actually labeled that by someone. “Serving catgrrrl realness”...showing you as much of my meowness as is allowed. “Serving realness” is a drag term. What can I say--I grew up around drag queens.)

This be the source my origin tale
Condensed to make sense on a much shorter scale
(Basically, what it sez: the short version of how I came to be who I am.)

I’m betting you expected me to go off the rails
Another one you’d love to call a grand epic fail
(My haters, going all the way back to kittenhood, always pray to their petty gods for me to fail, but I haven’t gone anywhere. They expected me to commit suicide, to not do my music, to fade away quietly. These are things that haven’t happened.)

My evolution wasn’t televised so
Folx think I’m that chyck from long time ago
(People who knew me in Past-Life think I am the same person I was then. I’m not. Very few of them had a front-row seat to me changing [“wasn’t televised”] so they are running off old information. Is a reference to Gil Scott-Heron’s “The Revolution Will Not Be Televised”.)
(I love how in the most recent "Black Panther" trailer they use that piece.)

Nine lives close scrapes unscathed bring hate
Reinvent new paint same core same strength
(It is said that cats have nine lives. Beginning to wonder if that’s true considering the fact that I should be dead a few times over. I’ve had some close calls, but got out mostly intact. Because of this, the haters hate me--I haven’t gone away, as I’ve already pointed out. I may have reinvented myself, but don’t worry--I am still the best parts of me, the parts you liked.)

I’m the original and the improvement
Brand upgrades with every thought every movement
(Self-explanatory. I’ve been called a trendsetter, there are people who have done “me” verbatim [but without realness] or followed my example, and because I continue to get better all the time, I am the improvement of myself. I’m constantly upgrading to a better me.)

You thought you knew but you had no idea
And I ain’t done it’s just the tip of the spear
(A nod to MTV’s “Diary” which usually ended its intros with “you think you know, but you have no idea”. Means that people only know what they’ve heard, but not my story until now. I’m not done, you haven’t seen anything yet--I said “spear” because “iceberg” doesn’t rhyme, LOL.)

T-h-a G-a-t-a … N-e-g-r-r-a
T-r-u-e O-r-i-g-i-n-a-l G-a-t-a
Whatcha say whatcha say…
T-h-a G-a-t-a… N-e-g-r-r-a
T-r-u-e O-r-i-g-i-n-a-l G-a-t-a
All day all day

That’s...pretty much it. If you read this far, arigato. I appreciate it. I hope it gave you a bit more insight into the lyrics, and in turn, who I am and what I was really saying.

It Is What It Is

It might seem odd for me that I'm blogging again so soon but I guess I'm feeling a certain type of way. It may come off as bitter, but I'm just being real, and face it--life ain't always sweet sometimes. This is just me taking inventory and sharing it with you.

This is written in the spirit of honesty and disclosing events in my life...owning up to the fact that everything is not okay in my world, and that I would be less than authentic if I didn't share this with you, GNOtaku (and the haters, as well).

I've been reflecting lately on the fact that even though I'm supposed to have this great team of people behind me, I am actually alone and on my own.

I think I said once before, back when we were still being distributed by another company, how it felt like everyone had distanced themselves from the GATA City project except me, and that I supposed it was my turn. And I guess I distanced myself a bit, too, out of protest, even though it was the only material I had to perform. 

Now that we are no longer being distributed by that company, I put a fair amount of enthusiasm again into promoting the project...and, again, it seems like I'm the only one who cares to do so.

My resources are limited, admittedly. I am single-handedly running the hardcore administrative duties, promotion/marketing, social media. I have someone who goes through my mail and someone who manages me. But for the most part, it's all me.

With the exception of one of the CEOs reposting what I post to people who couldn't care less (or maybe they could; wrong audience), I'm the only one who seems to care what happens enough to do the "legwork", so to speak, anymore.

A total of four credited writers (including myself) and two guests are on the album, names and all, and yet, I'm the only one posting any of its achievements, or promoting my shows, or anything like that. I'm the one taking classes, and trying to figure out everything.

A pretty big performance is coming up in my life, and I can't even get full support for that without balking or strings or indifference. In fact, the last time I had support from anyone of the writing team as far as the performances go was years ago. The most important person on my team/The Label's team who was able to do something and didn't feel like they were "too old" to do it moved away to get his life. You would think he'd still help via social media--and he did in the beginning--but he lost interest, threw me under the bus in certain cases, and I'm pretty much left on my own on the promoting front as far as the "legwork". I'm guessing it was because his friends didn't appreciate the the work he put into it and put it down because they thought it was a bullshxt project cuz it wasn't full of curses and gangsta-isms, blatant typical-female-rapper-style sexuality, and other shxt I don't do.

Now, there are certain things that I am being mistrusted to handle since, I guess, the new business model and the way the independent music industry now works is not working for The Label, and, as I pointed out before, resources from them are limited. Certain vital things that are the lifeblood of getting new fans. I can try to stay positive all I want, but the fact still remains that a potential fan--someone who doesn't know me from Adam's housecat-- will more than likely balk at paying full price for music, and that is going to hurt me in the long term. Not even established musicians are making money off music sales! To choose short-term profit over potential future money is possible career suicide. Oh, sure, The Label might make its investment back, but I will have lost more long-term customers. I mean, even drug dealers give free samples.

The reason why they don't know me is that proper promo never happened, the timing of proper promo never happened. Nothing was structured, GATA City didn't even have a proper video until a year after it was released. It should have been a year before its release at the most. They expected that the album would sell on its own because the music was good, with very little advertising, and just on the strength of me doing shows. Every idea and well-researched suggestion I put forth regarding its promotion and handling was initially shot down, with me being told I needed to "focus on the show and making good music" when that day in the industry--that way of handling things-- had passed. Then, a year later, suddenly my ideas made sense...but still met with much skepticism. I'm still going through this struggle now. The rules are different, yet they still want to play by the old rulebook...and my hands are tied.

Me.

I did and still do all I can to put my name out there myself, but it's not enough, and what I do manage to get accomplished is tainted by someone else glomming onto what achievements I do make by using constant confusion, lies, sabotage, and subterfuge. Yay.

Yay.

So, along with this and the unfortunate infiltration of aforementioned glomming demonic forces on something that was super important to me, the future is looking uncertain. Here I am-- again-- being forced by too many people to hide my light under a bushel. It's just perfect that one of these people happens to be the infiltrator and even more perfect that they are being helped along by the very people who said they wouldn't allow it to happen. The team who are supposed to support me don't care and don't understand how important the event is to me, and NOBODY seems to understand how a person who was and is still coming for my life--literally--is a huge detriment to my success there. (Sidebar: if you ever need to get a restraining order on someone and you think even once about dissolving it-- DON'T. You will indeed regret it eventually.)

How much do you want to bet that if something huge and good and groundbreaking does eventually come of the GATA City project, suddenly everyone will give a shxt about the cause, including but not limited to the other writers on the project? Then it will be theirs, too, and not just mine. It will be "our" victory, "our" baby. Then, people will want to claim it and me, say they always believed in me, they "knew me when", maybe even go as far as to say they taught me all I know and other BS. Never mind I've been working on pushing this one project for four years alone amidst life struggles and deaths and my health and everything.

I'm on my own out here. I'm doing all I can to help others so I can, in turn, help myself, and in turn, help them, but I. Am. Mostly. On. My. Own.

Yawl can sit there and pay lip service to "I got your back" and "You're not alone in this" and "It will get better" and whatever...but the fact still remains that...OnMyOwn. Like Patti LaBelle.

It is what it is.

#LoveWins...Or Does it?

Okay-- admittedly, the title of this blog prolly smells of clickbait. But it's no less a valid question. Is this statement really true? Did love win?

In a HUGE way, yes--yes, it did. And yet, while same-sex couples all over the nation celebrate this landmark victory for the LGBTQIA community, there are some members who are definitely being overlooked...and since I happen to be one of them, I felt I had to speak up on it.

I identify as a bisexual woman. Yeh, I said it. I came out to my parents a few years ago (bye-bye to the hopes of the haters who planned to out me to them--too late, bxtches! They KNOW), and my true friends and family have always known. My partner-in-life knows and has always known. He doesn't care. He isn't intimidated. And his culeness with it isn't because he thinks he's gonna be up to his twins in wall-to-wall poontang, if that's what you're thinking. He accepts it because it's a part of who I am. He and I have enjoyed a surprisingly monogamous relationship for 7 1/2 years (yes, really). We have a daughter together (and two older cubs from previous relationships). We might get married. Anything can happen.

Despite this, I still identify as bisexual. It's why I chose to perform a few years ago at my local pride celebration. I think, though, that the moment it was known that I was pregnant at the time, and madly in love with a man, the general attitude from the LGBTQIA community here towards me changed (and they even seemed to go out of their way to clarify at the next celebration that they were "looking for LGBT performers", as if I wasn't one). It hurt, and I said as much. But, y'know, nobody takes that sort of thing seriously, because bisexuality isn't a thing (sarcasm font on). ::pfft::

I have often asked, "Why even have the B in LGBTQIA if it's just going to be ignored, overlooked, shunned, mocked, and ridiculed by the rest of the community?" I never knew that there was so much bloody biphobia and bi erasure in the world, let alone in my own fxcking sect. There are people who still think that it is a phase, that I came out to be cute and trendy --even my own mother met it with a little scrutiny, but when she realised I was sincere, she relented.

According to the world, bisexual people are confused, greedy, promiscuous, in denial, psychotic--you name it. I'm here to tell you: WE. ARE. NOT. We know exactly what we want and who we are. And we know we can live life and love as we want to. Just because you might like savory and sweet things doesn't mean you have to enjoy both literally at the same damned time. It's the same for most of us. At least I know for sure it is for me. I'm bisexual, but I am not polyamorous. I learned my lesson with that the hard way; it is not for meows truly.

In the wake of SCOTUS' decision, a wave of rainbow euphoria spread across social media, and a wave of sheer hate did as well. I expected the hate (though I admit I was disappointed in where some of it was coming from, and what it was hiding behind). I didn't really expect that so many others, including but not limited to bisexuals, would feel as if they've been overlooked by the media, because it suddenly became all about "The Gay Agenda". They could have used phrases like "same-sex couples" and "marriage equality" as opposed to "gay marriage", a phrase which left the rest of the LGBTQIA community out of the celebration. Bi/Pan/Transsexuals are happy about this, too, y'know!

So, that is part of my reason for this headline. Maybe a better headline would have been "#LoveWins...But Did It Win For Everyone?"

I don't know. I'm happy, but we still have a long way to go.

InvestiGATA: The Ask-Me Video Series

I have a good friend, Ericka, who was listening to me hem and haw over content choices for my channel on YouTube. "Why not do a question/answer/advice thing?" she suggested.

"Why not," indeed...

Frankly, I didn't think it would matter if I did or didn't-- I mean, was anyone really willing to ask ME anything? It just so happened that she was actually right. Much to my surprise (and in some cases, my chagrin), I did manage to get a few questions, and some of of them are tough, so you know I wouldn't ask myself these things, for those of you who might think I cheated or something. I've compiled the best and will be posting these in the first of a new video series called "InvestiGATA".

Know what that means?

That means you can ask me some questions!

Though hopefully not as intense as the ones asked by THIS woman.

What kinds of questions? Ask advice, my opinion, stuff you wanna know! AS LONG AS THEY'RE RESPECTFUL QUESTIONS, I will answer all I can and post it in a video to my YouTube and Vimeo channels. Deal?
You can ask via my tumblr or shoot me an email. Please keep them respectful. Ask yourself, "Is this something I would want to be asked?" If not, then, maybe think of something you'd want to be asked.
Let's keep it fun and interesting...can't wait to see what you ask!