Open Letter To Whichever Con, Venue, or Event Is Guilty

Dear Anime Cons, Pop Culture Cons, Venues, And Other Geeky Events:

I posted this on IG once. Some broad tagged her g/f  with"WTF is she on? LOL"
I answered: "Another level. Next!"
📸credit: L.I.T. Photography

Yeh, so, I'm not visually Japanese or passable for Japanese.
I can't pass the Paper Bag Test or be part of the Blue Vein Society.

I don't have the fabled "good hair".
I'm not size 4. I don't have the ecchi body.

I don't do accurate full-on cosplays because I *am* my own cosplay.
I may not be your idea of kawaii, but frfr: Kawaii isn't *supposed* to be purrfect or the conventional beauty.

I'm not as nerdcore as I'd like to be (haven't found the right producer who has the stones to work with me on it).
I don't have the social media numbers of some of my colleagues.

Yes, I *am* a hip-hop artist.

This doesn't mean I am inappropriate, scary, that ALL my material is riddled with violence or curses or the N-word every three words, or I cannot be "family-friendly". Sure--I do have some stuff with profanity or provocative subject matter because life ain't Mr. Rogers Neighbourhood, but you will *never* hear me purrform any of it at a family event.

Awh. Loved this guy.
(via Tenor)

I am in my own lane, on the same highway as other people of my ilk. I know that some of you have overlooked me for something "safer", something more aesthetically pleasing...more Japanese. I have been in talks with some of you only to be ignored, and see other acts be chosen instead, who get away with using hip-hop in their music influences, and I am no worse than they are. (Yeh. I saw that.)

I totally did.
(via gifs.com)

I may not be any of the things above, but I am professional, I am good at what I do, and at least I'm not visually uninteresting.
I don't think I should be mushed aside because I am not any of the above. I was still relevant to your event. It's not as if you didn't have acts there.

ThaGataNegrra isn't a gimmick, and is just barely an alter ego. This is what you get all the time. I may not be as visually loud when I'm going to Walmart or whatever, but those cat ears may as well be grafted to my head because that's me. ALLA. DAMNED. TIME.

Again: The kawaii is real, not some shxt I made up to seem interesting or appealing.
The geekiness is real, not geek chic like some prominent female rappers I could name.

The ears are worn because channeling totems, not because they cute. If that were the case you'd only see me with them onstage and in pix (Catch me at Shoprite and see if I'm fxcking kidding).

I come to you because where *else* am I going to be appreciated? Certainly not with what you assume is "my kind" musically. But it's like everything else: it's okay if someone not as heavily melanated is doing it. Straight up-- if I could pass the paper bag test...you would be all over me.

Deal with that for a minute. Marinate in it.


A lot of you "nerdy" promoters are fxcking guilty of this harsh fact. Don't think I don't look at your pictures of your events. I do.

I have been lied to numerous times by promoters to deter me from participating in events-- any thing from "The dj doesn't have a mic" to "we don't have the space".

I have been straight ignored by photographers at events for whatever reason.

I've heard some people were afraid I'd outshine them so they didn't book me, which...what the actual hell? REALLY?

In some cases, I'm pretty sure my name has been smeared and rumours spread to cast doubt on me. If you listened or entertained any thoughts that they were true, for even one second, you are an asshole. Yeh--I *said* it. You should have come to me and asked yourself.

Yawl cannot have it both ways. Do *not* smile in my face then stab me in the back. At least have the decency to let me see the knife coming.

That said, I'm gonna thank those who took a chance on me and wasn't scared off by anything. I know that has changed now for a lot of you. It is what it is. I'll live. As I've said before, I don't expect you to get me now.

Maybe you'll see me again. Maybe you won't. Still going to be me with or without you.

It Is What It Is

It might seem odd for me that I'm blogging again so soon but I guess I'm feeling a certain type of way. It may come off as bitter, but I'm just being real, and face it--life ain't always sweet sometimes. This is just me taking inventory and sharing it with you.

This is written in the spirit of honesty and disclosing events in my life...owning up to the fact that everything is not okay in my world, and that I would be less than authentic if I didn't share this with you, GNOtaku (and the haters, as well).

I've been reflecting lately on the fact that even though I'm supposed to have this great team of people behind me, I am actually alone and on my own.

I think I said once before, back when we were still being distributed by another company, how it felt like everyone had distanced themselves from the GATA City project except me, and that I supposed it was my turn. And I guess I distanced myself a bit, too, out of protest, even though it was the only material I had to perform. 

Now that we are no longer being distributed by that company, I put a fair amount of enthusiasm again into promoting the project...and, again, it seems like I'm the only one who cares to do so.

My resources are limited, admittedly. I am single-handedly running the hardcore administrative duties, promotion/marketing, social media. I have someone who goes through my mail and someone who manages me. But for the most part, it's all me.

With the exception of one of the CEOs reposting what I post to people who couldn't care less (or maybe they could; wrong audience), I'm the only one who seems to care what happens enough to do the "legwork", so to speak, anymore.

A total of four credited writers (including myself) and two guests are on the album, names and all, and yet, I'm the only one posting any of its achievements, or promoting my shows, or anything like that. I'm the one taking classes, and trying to figure out everything.

A pretty big performance is coming up in my life, and I can't even get full support for that without balking or strings or indifference. In fact, the last time I had support from anyone of the writing team as far as the performances go was years ago. The most important person on my team/The Label's team who was able to do something and didn't feel like they were "too old" to do it moved away to get his life. You would think he'd still help via social media--and he did in the beginning--but he lost interest, threw me under the bus in certain cases, and I'm pretty much left on my own on the promoting front as far as the "legwork". I'm guessing it was because his friends didn't appreciate the the work he put into it and put it down because they thought it was a bullshxt project cuz it wasn't full of curses and gangsta-isms, blatant typical-female-rapper-style sexuality, and other shxt I don't do.

Now, there are certain things that I am being mistrusted to handle since, I guess, the new business model and the way the independent music industry now works is not working for The Label, and, as I pointed out before, resources from them are limited. Certain vital things that are the lifeblood of getting new fans. I can try to stay positive all I want, but the fact still remains that a potential fan--someone who doesn't know me from Adam's housecat-- will more than likely balk at paying full price for music, and that is going to hurt me in the long term. Not even established musicians are making money off music sales! To choose short-term profit over potential future money is possible career suicide. Oh, sure, The Label might make its investment back, but I will have lost more long-term customers. I mean, even drug dealers give free samples.

The reason why they don't know me is that proper promo never happened, the timing of proper promo never happened. Nothing was structured, GATA City didn't even have a proper video until a year after it was released. It should have been a year before its release at the most. They expected that the album would sell on its own because the music was good, with very little advertising, and just on the strength of me doing shows. Every idea and well-researched suggestion I put forth regarding its promotion and handling was initially shot down, with me being told I needed to "focus on the show and making good music" when that day in the industry--that way of handling things-- had passed. Then, a year later, suddenly my ideas made sense...but still met with much skepticism. I'm still going through this struggle now. The rules are different, yet they still want to play by the old rulebook...and my hands are tied.

Me.

I did and still do all I can to put my name out there myself, but it's not enough, and what I do manage to get accomplished is tainted by someone else glomming onto what achievements I do make by using constant confusion, lies, sabotage, and subterfuge. Yay.

Yay.

So, along with this and the unfortunate infiltration of aforementioned glomming demonic forces on something that was super important to me, the future is looking uncertain. Here I am-- again-- being forced by too many people to hide my light under a bushel. It's just perfect that one of these people happens to be the infiltrator and even more perfect that they are being helped along by the very people who said they wouldn't allow it to happen. The team who are supposed to support me don't care and don't understand how important the event is to me, and NOBODY seems to understand how a person who was and is still coming for my life--literally--is a huge detriment to my success there. (Sidebar: if you ever need to get a restraining order on someone and you think even once about dissolving it-- DON'T. You will indeed regret it eventually.)

How much do you want to bet that if something huge and good and groundbreaking does eventually come of the GATA City project, suddenly everyone will give a shxt about the cause, including but not limited to the other writers on the project? Then it will be theirs, too, and not just mine. It will be "our" victory, "our" baby. Then, people will want to claim it and me, say they always believed in me, they "knew me when", maybe even go as far as to say they taught me all I know and other BS. Never mind I've been working on pushing this one project for four years alone amidst life struggles and deaths and my health and everything.

I'm on my own out here. I'm doing all I can to help others so I can, in turn, help myself, and in turn, help them, but I. Am. Mostly. On. My. Own.

Yawl can sit there and pay lip service to "I got your back" and "You're not alone in this" and "It will get better" and whatever...but the fact still remains that...OnMyOwn. Like Patti LaBelle.

It is what it is.

On Being An Alternative Hip-Hop Artist...and its Pitfalls

WARNING: THIS IS ANOTHER POPCORN ENTRY. So get comfy and grab some.

I might just join you as I write this.

I met a person of station awhile back who tried to clown me a bit because I said I was an alt. hip-hop artist. Challenged me, in a sort of condescending tone, to explain.

I did, and he basically "corrected" me and told me I am what is called "underground". I told him that there are many underground hip-hop artists that would disagree vehemently with that assessment. I've even been told as much by a respected so-called underground hip-hop "tastemaker", that my stuff is not underground.

Yes, I may actually BE under the radar, if we used the term "underground" in that sense, but I am still alternative, in the sense that what I'm doing is not what you would expect from hip-hop when you first hear that that is my genre of choice. There are artists under the radar with me that are doing exactly what one would expect of hip-hop, creatively. That ain't me.

I've also been called a pop artist, which, frankly, I am sick to death of.

I know pop really is supposed to mean "popular"--which isn't a bad thing in and of itself, being popular-- but in this day and age, for someone who strives to be authentic to who they are, it also means "death sentence", "disposable" and "dismissable", and I don't wish to own being any of those things, no matter what bent my sound might take in its journey.

People have a tendency to just kind of shove things in a box when they don't understand it, and more often than not, the box they shove you in is wrong. Because you can dance to the majority of GATA City, you would think that I'd be shoved in the dance category, but since people think of EDM/EBM, dubstep and the like when you say, "dance", I am demoted to pop. I also get told a lot that I don't belong here, I belong "Overseas" where I would "do much better", as if Overseas is one big land that will solve all my problems like it's the Emerald City.
And I know there's the typical/not-so-typical-but-accepted-cuz-they're-conscious hip-hop brethren, sistren, and cousins of mine who would look down their nose at me, side-eye me, or tell me, "That's cute, sis" and give me a virtual pat on the head, but go on and on about how ill certain mainstream female rappers are when I know I could run circles around some of them lyrically.

I won't pretend to make myself bigger than what I am; I won't even sit here and say I'm at-par with some of the other unrecognised ladies under the radar with me. There are so many down here that I've heard, been introduced to, or whatever...some, I've even been called upon to emulate, but my days of emulating anyone have been far behind me for years. I will, however, tell you that I know I deserve a fair shot at being taken seriously and listened to.

Talking of "listened to"... that's also another pitfall that comes not so much with being alternative, but just being a hip-hop artist-- NOT being listened to.

For example: there is an event that Newark is trying to do called Better Block Newark, and they were looking for people to get involved. Someone on its organisation team had somehow gotten hold of my email address and was sending me so much mail about it. So, naturally, I submitted myself... and got no response for a month, save for more email about volunteering.

When I did get a response, this is what met me (and two other people on his staff the sender sent to via CC):

Thank you very much for your interest in supporting our efforts in hosting Better Block Bergen. Unfortunately, the intention of the event is to provide family friendly entertainment for this celebration. Otherwise, we would surely be provide the platform to present your work. I'm sure it will be a great occasion and welcome you to contact my colleague Perris for an opportunity to setup a vendor table. 

Again, please accept our regrets. We hope that you still choose to support Better Block Newark as we intend to expand the initiative and need all the support from entrepreneurs/residents like yourself.


Mind you, I was asking about performing, but they're talking about selling at a table.

I replied, pointing out that my stuff is mainly profanity-free, and is indeed family-friendly--that in fact, I had been complimented by parents on that very thing (and sometimes, even shunned for it by others, but I digress). I mean, I wouldn't have been booked at family-oriented block parties if it wasn't, would I? But, I get this back:

I appreciate your cooperation and I must insist if you have materials or goods you would like to share and/or sell during the event we can surely provide space and a table to do so.

I did notice the lack of profanity and such in your performance and I commend that. Please continue to support the event and we can work to better curate the next event's programming to potentially include your stage set.

Huh. Okay, so, basically, "Get a vendor table and be happy. If you play ball, perhaps we'll let you do your li'l thing. but not now."
When I brought it to the attention of friends and GNOtaku, they thought that the "family-friendly" bit was a joke, with at least one friend surmising this:

Oddly enough, Peace had said that very same thing right before she posted that!
I'm pretty sure that they didn't bother to listen, just saw the words "hip-hop" and ran the other way. And for them to sit and say they "noticed the lack of profanity and such" when I could tell they didn't listen was insulting. If they had listened, pointing out that they were looking for "family friendly" entertainment wouldn't have been an issue.

I bet, though, that they'll have a local dance team that either a) has little girls doing inappropriate choreography but excused as cute (and wearing tutus...which didn't really start much here until after Fashion Is Art) or b) is using music that wasn't pre-approved and ends up full of curses and suggestive themes.

Why?

Because that's what's acceptable around here in the Brix. And it's acceptable because it's what they know.

Someone always tells me to look for ops in my own area; music blogs always suggest becoming a thing in your hometown first. Well, this is what happens when I attempt to do that...unless I meet someone like the true owner of Majesty Loft or someone else willing to take a chance on the weird girl in the cat ears. I'm mostly ignored (not even an email saying "no") by anything you'd think I'd be welcome to perform at in Newark--including Newark Gay Pride, if you can believe that. Newark is nothing if not afraid of new or different, and I think it is time that I truly accepted that and looked for gigs elsewhere, or make my own. Then show up at theirs anyway in full Nyan Regalia, like: "AND WHAT...?"

Which leads me to...addressing this past week's incident involving the "different".

For years, I have been trying to get involved in Afropunk somehow, due to the many suggestions of others (sent press releases, joined featured bands group), only to be mostly ignored, and I think a lot of well-placed badmouthing by certain individuals killed that to begin with. But, being somewhat undaunted and willing to believe that perhaps I might be mistaken, I entered the Battle of the Bands voting competition after much encouragement.
Days later, I received this:

We see some suspicious behavior for your entry, as it receives runs of repeat votes from the same or a series of closely related IP addresses.

166 votes come from duplicate IP addresses.

As this is evidence of cheating, we regret to inform you that your entry will be disqualified immediately.

Okay. Here is the math on the voting process:
--It is a single click voting platform.
--You must vote through Facebook.
--It will not let you vote twice from a single IP address.

And yet...I cheated, and was disqualified. Yup.

Of course, this brought cries of outrage from my friends/GNOtaku. Some thought "sabotage", some thought that they could have just discounted the duplicates, since there seemed to be trouble voting from phones and devices--a lot of people complained that they weren't sure their vote had even gone through. "With this knowledge," one said, "surely a malicious person could systematically get everyone disqualified, except the one they want to win!" And most agreed with that assessment. But I just chalked it up to Mercury Retrograde and the former badmouthing taking its toll.

Ironically, I didn't even enter to win, just get involved in something of theirs IN SPITE of them...and get noticed by their audience. I wasn't even as upset as I should have been about being accused of cheating.

What I was upset about--which I figured out after some reflection...was that here was yet another place where several people have told me I "belonged"...and it was very clear that they still don't think so...for whatever reason.

I can't begin to tell you how many people have said "Oh, you need to join Afropunk, do their shows, get featured!" Anyone from a music business mentor of mine to the graphic designer of my CD art: "Afropunk is for you!" 

No...no, apparently, it's not.
And that has been sorrowfully driven home by this final nail in the coffin.

So, let's count the places I've been told I should belong and apparently don't: my city, the culture as a whole ("you're a pop artist"), America ("go Overseas!"), Afropunk, and let's not forget Hip-Hop Sisters Artistry, who apparently thought there is only one kind of female hip-hop. (Yup--ignored by them, too.)

This shxt makes you want to run away from home sometimes, LOL. Join the circus. I did actually joke in a Facebook status about buying a town like Kim Basinger did and establishing it for those of us who fit nowhere else.

But...I was reminded (thank you for finally being useful, Mercury Retrograde, you cankerous whore) of something I once told a young strangeling-in-the-making when he came in from outside play, disgusted that the other kids didn't want to play with him at all after they decided they wanted to play tag after he said he'd wanted to still play ball, and decided to confess to me.

"Do you still want to play ball?" I asked him.
"Yes."
"Then be proud that your vision of playing ball-- doing something you want to is strong enough to survive what everyone else thinks you should do. They might not want to play with you now, but they might later; someone might. Always feel proud that you chose what you really wanted."

So...I will reflect on that years-old piece of advice I gave my eldest cub, and take it myself and let it nurture me. They might not want to play with me now...but...someone eventually might.

On Being "Tawdry" and "Offputting"...

I got a review once from The Daily Vault that resulted in an A- (not too shabby). To this day, I think the reviewer was the only one who really got me musically, and I was SO happy and relieved about that, even though my brother wasn't as appreciative of what was said about the production of GATA City. (TBH, I don't think it sounded as "homegrown" as we were told in the article.) I think this will be remedied in future projects; but we've heard quite a few favourable comments from others (including, but not limited to people in radio) about the production, so I just chalk it up to "this shxt ain't for everybody". I mean, considering what passes for "the sound" nowadays... if this is what is considered "chique", then, I'll stay sounding "homespun", thank you very much, LOL.

The review also said this:

An integral part of [Tha]Gata Negrra’s image is her weirdness, which can seem a bit tawdry and offputting. Her music, however, is anything but. Gata Negrra might like to be... an anime character that wears gaudy clothes and makeup, but GATA City is an ordinary mainstream pop album – an enjoyable and a great mainstream pop album.
Huh. Okay.
I'm guessing the reviewer has never been to Japan. Or watched an anime. I could be wrong.
At the time, I wasn't quite offended; I've been getting that "OMG whatthehellisthat" reaction all my life, so it isn't new to me. I did bristle a bit at "tawdry" and "gaudy", which are usually pretty negative words:

taw·dry- adjective \ˈtȯ-drē, ˈtä-\ : cheap and gaudy in appearance or quality; also : ignoble <a tawdry attempt to smear his opponent> noun: cheap showy finery


gau·dy-  adjective \ˈgȯ-dē, ˈgä-\
1: ostentatiously or tastelessly ornamented
2: marked by extravagance or sometimes tasteless showiness : outlandish <gaudy lies> <gaudy claims>;
also :exceptional <a gaudy batting average>
Note that "gaudy" is actually used as a synonym for "tawdry".
Those words are just more shorthand for "We don't get it". Or, "We can't wrap our eyes around it. It's too much."
Okay. I'll buy that for a dollar. Like I said: it's nada new.
I was talking with someone I know who works for a prominent indie label and, in general, likes my look/brand, and he likened me to a fire hose...in that, when the audience comes to drink, instead of giving them a water fountain trickle, I visually give them a faceful of high-jet water. I thought it was funny, actually. And not por nada: it's kind of the point.
The odd bit is that this guy, who I respect and admire immensely and love him to death, actually suggested that I strip down--like a LOT--and give you guys the full-jet later (and yet, he loves and promotes people like Kerli, Lady Gaga, and Nicki Minaj and Madonna). I didn't immediately object--I mean, this guy is who he is for a reason-- but it would be, I dunno, untrue to me. I don't like giving people the untruth. I want to give you the full truth. I don't mean truth as in shedding all of the clothes and barrettes and adornments. Those are just amplification. I mean, if everyone wanted truth, we'd all be running around naked, no?
I mean full truth as in giving you the whole ThaGataNegrra experience. And that is what people come to see me for. You didn't come to see me sans synthlox extensions, sans clothes, sans the..."explosive" version of me. You didn't come to see me be "normal". You weren't attracted to me because I'm freaking "normal".

You came because you saw me flying my freak flag, didn't you?

You came because you saw that it isn't some chyck making play she's so unusual (yes, that is indeed an intentional Cyndi Lauper reference) like some artists you might see out there...you saw that it is coming from a place where genuine "weirdness" is rampant. You've either visited that place or wanted to visit that place, or wanted to know what that place looked like before you went there.
That's what I represent.
And if I came to you with my natural coily hair as it is now, in blue jeans and a fxcking plain black t-shirt and tried to sell you the Meowness, you. Would. Not. Buy it. Period.

I will say that when I was younger, all the way up to where I am now, I have expressed myself differently than that of my peers, even if I had on the same outfit (or elements of the same outfit), I must have carried it differently than they. I've seen people look at old pics of me and say, "You didn't look weird at all!" No, not to them in the picture. But, if you were walking down street with me at the time it was taken, in that outfit, you'd have heard a whole bunch of taunts thrown at me. I never got that. Still don't. But it is what it is.
Back then, it was: "THIS bxtch..." now it's: "THIS bxtch is walking through the supermarket with ma-fxckin' CAT ears on."
I do that because it's true for me now. That--walking through the supermarket with ma-fxckin' cat ears on-- is. MY. TRUTH. And I would be less than respectful of me-- of you, even-- if I didn't do that.
I just took a course that advised the very thing that I am already doing. I was pleasantly surprised to hear this. And I'm proud of the fact that I've already got "it". One less thing for me to learn.

I was recently reminded that for some reason Cyndi Lauper was a big influence on me. That I loved the look that Prince and all his proteges touted in the Revolution and New Power Generation eras. That it was all about shell-toe Adidas. That I wanted violet and white hair. That I had an affinity for and with cats. That I used to want to be like the characters from Battle of the Planets/Gatchaman. That I was a lot like Yuri from The Dirty Pair (Adam Warren version). That I once got teased for looking like "a reject from the X-Men" (which I thought was so funny...).
It certainly explains a lot about me.

If you notice the last part of the definition for gaudy, it says: "exceptional".
"EX-CEP-TION-AL".

ex·cep·tion·al (ikˈsepSHənəl)adj.
1. Being an exception; uncommon.
2. Well above average; extraordinary: an exceptional memory.
3. Deviating widely from a norm.
I can take that.

So, when I got the link to the review from The Daily Vault, it was accompanied by an email from the writer. In it, he expressed the fact that he loved what I was doing, to keep up the good work, and signed it, "Your fan from Canada".

In the end...still expressed being a fan. I was humbled.

That is what being true to who you are can get you. It takes longer, but it's worth it.

Sorry to Be All Late With an Entry...

Some catching up:
For those wondering "What happened to the manga?"-- it's coming, worry not. "Yeh," the cynical amongst you say, "so is Christmas." Oh, just wait for it, LOL.
I'm also working on publishing my novel in paperback. I had just been selling it as an e-book, but a childhood friend who just published hers inspired me to go for the hardcore and make it physical. Some people just still like the feel of a book in their hand. Now while I can read digital stuff all day long, I still enjoy a book; the smell, the weight, the page turning. Nada like it! Plus, it doesn't really seem tangible unless it's right in front of you. I estimate I will be done with both by the end of the summer.
Trying to find a dancer is still not bearing fruit; either they've been overqualified, or shy, or not a good fit. But we're not giving up!

One thing I have been doing lately, and with baby steps, is trying to eat better, cleaner. It's hard, when you have people in your family who don't always read labels, and compounded by the sometimes seemingly impossible task of finding GMO-free food. We eat as much organic as we can. We are substituting certain fats for other fats. We are trying to think "natural"--and I mean REAL natural, not that shxt they put on packaging as a buzzword to get you to buy it. It's difficult, but we feel better for it. And TBH: it really does taste better. Now if I could just get my cosmetics and toiletries and crap all- or mostly natural, that would be nice, but as I said, "baby steps".

I will be working on a mixtape, so I'm on the hunt for producers, since it seems that my former producer (read: brother) has his sights set on something else. It's been slow going due to writer's block kicking me in the head, but I still get lines and write them down to sort them out later. I don't believe in forcing the process, because you get lazy and then just write anything, and that ultimately isn't fair to you, my audience. I have seen people, artists out now, start out with some good shxt and then just get lazy because everyone's kissing their ass. It's sad...

The team is also trying to find a venue to run a bi-monthly showcase...since the ops are few and far between for something different in our area. We'd like to find the people who say "fxck the box" and just do them.

Oh, and lately, it seems that people who have been doing their thing Nippon-style have been falling into/back into my life again, so I may just get to try a real bowl of ramen...
I've been in training...I'm hoping to post some content of that. So keep checking here, and Miau Central on YouTube, as well as my Instagram...

Humility, Motherfxcker--Do You Speak It?!

"Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less."--C. S. Lewis

"The first test of a truly great man is his humility. By humility I don't mean doubt of his powers or hesitation in speaking his opinion, but merely an understanding of the relationship of what he can say and what he can do." --John Ruskin

I chose that title because it was the first thing I thought of when I got the notion to write this. I'd thought of  the proceeding incidents, and then of the catalyst of said incidents, and then realised the type of mindset I was actually dealing with...let's just say the type you take with a very tiny grain of salt.
That, and I thought of Sam Jackson's line in Pulp Fiction.

It was brought to my attention awhile back that because I am dead honest about my strengths and my weaknesses, certain people had some really stupid names to call me. I need to mention, I suppose, that these aforementioned people wouldn't know humility from the hole in their arse, so I imagine such a concept is lost on them if they think me pointing these things out about myself is stupid.

Anyway...I've also noticed that people also take this as me being "down on myself". Now while I will be first to admit I have a tendency to be a bit self-deprecating, in this life I am less about putting myself down and more about being brutally honest with myself, contrary to what some people would have you think. All I ever do is take inventory.

One thing I've noticed--and especially amongst people of colour--AND amongst those in my genre-- is if you're not constantly bragging about how badass you are, or what shxt you have, or how many bxtches/nxggas you pull, or how yer "living/lovinglife and doing you", you pretty much are negative, or worse, nothing. If you state the situation as real as it is, you are accused of being negative. It's always the realist that's negative. It's not even about putting it into the air, so much as putting it into the air so you know where you stand, and can begin to assess and change it.

I have never been a person to assert things about myself that weren't true. At all. I know what my strengths are. I just don't go round overtly beating the world over the head with it. I'm an emcee; of course at some point I'm gonna be like, "I can turn a phrase/leave yer ass amazed" or some shxt like that (see what I did there?). It's my job. But I'm not gonna flat-out lie, or "fake it till I make it". Just not my style. I've pushed down sadness to get through things, but not before I've gone off and had a bit of a vent about it somewhere someone couldn't see. Not everything is meant for the world's eyes.

I know what my weaknesses are. I don't let everyone know about all of them, but I don't hide them all, either. Some are glaringly obvious and I will alert people to them if I feel it's necessary, partly because it allows me to improve. I don't see how that makes me negative, or a "dunce" (Jesus, what an old-fashioned word). If anything, it makes me very aware of who I am, which is more than can be said for a lot of people. In that, I think there's positivity. What could be more positive than honesty? Yawl talk all this noise about "keeping it real" and get mad when someone actually does. Wow.

I was always taught to be humble. Sometimes I think it was drilled home a little too hard, in that the result is I don't run around tooting my own horn like an egomaniac. Sometimes you have to toot your own horn to the right people. Yet if you're a party horn trying to come off like a vuvuzela...that's a problem.

Cocky does not equal confident. There seem to be a lot of people deluding themselves on that. If you have to constantly yell at the world how great you are, then you must not really be that great. The world can see right through veneers like that. Why bother, when I could just be me? If I'm not good enough for you, then fxck you, basically. I'll find those I AM good enough for.

Behaving as if I have delusions of grandeur just isn't me. I told yawl "straight, no chaser" and I meant it.
So, when someone says I'm "acting big and bad", they couldn't BE more wrong. Sometimes people can project their own fail onto others; they assume that's how the person they are accusing of that is behaving because it's something THEY themselves would do, when the reality is they couldn't be further from the truth. Leave your ego in its case. Don't hang it on me like a petulant child.

And don't judge me if I should say something that you perceive as "negative" or me putting myself down. Look closer. You might see the rarest of truths.

The Pioneers Are Forgetting...

Sometimes certain stuff sends me off on Twitter rants. De La Soul released a song yesterday that had them drawing inspiration from the Wu-Tang Clan, whom I respect but wasn't always a fan of their stuff cuz I couldn't relate to much of it (yeh, I know, sacrilege and blasphemy). Interspersed with the song's lyrics was a track from a Wu-Tang intro from a past album, about what hip-hop has/had become.
The song is brilliant, though. And fresh-air simplicity.
But it sort of sent me off on a tirade.
Read from the bottom of each picture:

At some point in the song "fxck a party" was said.

"Fxck a party"?

Really?!

WTF do you think hip-hop and rap came from? How can you deny that? I just don't understand, I guess. It's like spitting in the face of your mother. And the really sad part is some of this attitude is coming from the pioneers who did the damned music in the first freakin' place!

The reason why I take emotional issue with this is because I am normally dismissed along with the other mainstream rap artists who are putting out less than quality stuff. I am viewed as riding a gimmick, when I'm merely being who I am...and they think this is all there is, the GATA City project. Even it, in all its danciness, is more hip-hop than most people will admit. It makes no apologies for what it is, and neither do I, to be honest.

People can sit round and say I'm not real, and my stuff is just dance and therefore useless mainstream fodder, but I truly believe in my pores that I am more hip-hop than most people think, simply cuz I'm being true to me, and to its roots. For fxck's sake, one of the first--if not THE first-- rap song committed to wax was done over a bloody disco song. Are you fxcking kidding me, people?

As a certain band once said, "Don't damn me."

As a certain icon once said, "I'm not your bxtch/don't hang your shxt on me."

25-Day Song Challenge--DAY 17

Day 17: A song that makes you want to dance.

I have quite a few of these, too...but just lately it's been this one:

No Doubt - Looking Hot [Banned Oficial Music Video Full HD] from No Doubt Brasil on Vimeo.

Looking Hot-- No Doubt

Too bad I don't really feel like this, LOL...well at least the verses. 

"Paperdollz" In Depth....

 If you've heard GATA City, or used the neat little download doohicky at the side of the blog there, or received a download card from me in the street, you've heard the song, "Paperdollz". If not, I'll post it here so you can check it out...I'll wait.

So far, it's looking to be my lead single because it's the one getting all the attention.
I've been doing a lot of thinking about it because it is something personal, and I realise some people might take it the wrong way. So I wanted to post a blog on it.

Admittedly, the song is semi-autobiographical in that I have actually experienced some of the feelings I express in the lyrics (and in the interlude proceeding it on the cd)...but I haven't had the problem of being almost compleatly ignored over some porn goddess. (Thank GOD.) I used the extremes to illustrate and convey the feelings a little more hardcore. Who knows? Maybe there is a girl out there who HAS gone through this exact thing. I just happened to feel strongly enough about this subject to write about it; after all, this is the very bedrock of songwriting.

The song is NOT about dissing the lovely ladies of the porn industry, that's for sure. I couldn't, in good conscience, really do that, being that I WAS a Paperdoll myself for one brief moment. It would be hypocritical! For all I know, there was some guy out there obsessed w/some picture I took, and his girlfriend was going off on him about it. Why would be beyond me, as the pictures were, for the most part, very tasteful for that kind of mag, even cheesy...and we know people like their hardcore shxt!-- but I digress.

The song IS about a dysfunctional relationship, in that the guy in it clearly has an addiction to porn to the point his girlfriend isn't enough for him anymore, and he ignores her 99 per cent of the time. She's unhappy, and she warns him, "You gon' get left with them paperdollz". She's at her wits' end, but still willing to play ball if he is. Whether he does or not remains to be seen.

Some of the descriptions of the girls in print might be taken as inflammatory --"cookie-cutter", referring to said girls as "that" as opposed to "her/them", pointing out their "fake boobs" and "big booty"-- you get the idea. Remember: this is from the POV of an obviously frustrated, neglected woman, who's feeling just a wee bit insecure about her partner's infatuation. She even tries to tell him, "I get it"-- even going so far as to suggest his indulging in his porno fantasies helps their relationship by keeping him faithful ("mainlining those'll/keep you home, I suppose"). The problem lies in him not paying any attention to her whatsoever, and she feels she can't compete even though she is a flesh-and-blood woman.

My own feelings are coming out in that I do take issue with the majority of these girls looking the same...P/shopped to the point their bodies are almost identical: same skin, same boobs...definitely the same big ass, LOL. It's insane. It also kills me that if a girl has that look in real life, the men will complain about the very enhancements that made them buy the magazines and movies in the first place....and then complain they want a "real" girl. Ri-i-i-ght...no pressure there.

The real message is that anyone--not just guys, but women too-- need to appreciate the person in their life and not take them for granted, favouring things that are not real over someone who is. A magazine is just ink, metal, and paper. A flick or an online site is just pixels on a screen. It's two-dimensional. And in the end, your partner is right there, and that image is NOT.

This even extends to the strippers/exotic dancers at the club. They are there to get their money. They are there to entertain you and do their job... up to and including being friendly (in some cases, EXTRA friendly) with you. It doesn't mean they wanna bear your kids or give you any, even. They might not be 2-D, but they usually aren't a part of your life outside of that club or that bachelor/bachelorette party or whatever. They are real people, but they aren't your real relationship. They sell you fantasy.

THAT is what the song is about.

 So, no...it's not an animosity thing. Trust me.

Why was I a Paperdoll, you ask? Simple.

"I was young. I needed the money." 

Who CARES?

I had my own reasons. Besides-- I don't think I'm the first femcee or artist who did this at one time in their life. It was one mag, a loooooooooooooong time ago. Anything I've done since was either pin-up or fetish modelling.

And...trust me on this: the feature sucked because a) it wasn't real and b) my hair was a wreck. Ugh. I have better pics with my kit off in my possession that are waaaay better, LOL.

Skull/Crossbones...

I was watching Janet being interviewed by Piers Morgan and he was commenting on her skulls jewelry. I kinda rolled my eyes because I'm often critcised for wearing skull and crossbones motif. Janet had her reasons, and I have mine, which I am about to share.
The skull represents a few things to me. One, it reminds me of remaining empty. I don't mean "empty" in a bubbleairhead sense. I mean "empty" in the sense that you cannot fill what is already full. How can you learn when you know everything? They remind me to be open.
Another thing they represent to me is death, obviously (again, empty) but with the promise of rebirth, like winter into spring. With decay will eventually come growth. Things die and are reborn.
The big thing they represent to me is pirates. Yup--I said it-- pirates. Bear with me...
Thievery, scurvy, and killing aside, pirates that we were told stories about were cunning, clever and creative when they had to be. They knew how to beat the system that doomed many to fail. They took chances and went against the grain. They were the outcasts, the ragtag bunch that people looked down upon, and pulled themselves up and did what they had to do. It may not always have been right, but they did SOMETHING.
They took destiny into their own hands and they made something happen. They made a society for themselves.

They had the skull and crossbones to show they were dangerous and deadly...but to me it represents freedom. Once you decide to grab your destiny and change your life, go against everything you were taught and programmed, to stop waiting for someone to help you and you just DIY--as far as I am concerned, you, my friend, are a pirate. Yo-freakin'-ho.
The minute you decide to not have your life dictated to you and to live it as you see fit no matter who likes it, you have joined the ranx of piracy...just not in the sense that you are stealing and wreaking havoc.
Or maybe you are.
Maybe you're stealing your life back. Maybe you're wreaking havoc on a suffocating system that wants you to die and would chew you up and spit you out and have your guts for garters. Maybe you are making the best waves, and sailing them for all they are worth. If this is you, my pirate hat's off to you.
So...that's why I wear 'em...that's what they mean to me.
Sorry for the lack of eloquence on this-- I was just jotting down a random thought...

A Post For Future Reference...

I'm just gonna say this, so it's documented and folx can come back and view b4 they come w/criticism:

I don't have vacuous lyrics, but I'm not gonna be deep/heavy all the time either.

Not gonna market my t&a to you... but I'm not nunning up cuz s/one thinx I should.

I'm not and will never claim to be squeaky clean/wholesome, but I'm not/won't be the slutspawn of satan.

I'm the Naughty Kitti but I am a person with a good heart and a conscience. You can't box me. Don't try.

Expect a broad spectrum from me. I might make you dance and 4get your troub for a bit....the next I'll be dropping message bombs and intellectual land mines. I'm weird like that.

And while I may stand out visually, and come off toon that is not to be read "coon" or "buffoon". Don't get "Bamboozled".

Some of you may like me, some of you will hate me. But all of you CAN--not "will" or "should"-- respect me because I'll do nothing less than be true to myself and who I am. I won't put on airs. You will get GATA straight-no-chaser. 

Except when I'm portraying a character or having to lipsynch or s/thing due to dance-heavy. Then all bets are off . (^_^)

That said... I will do my best to honestly entertain you. I hope you enjoy it as much as I plan to.

I Love My Freakin' Hair...Get OVER It Already!

Don't get me wrong--I'm hoping yawl read past the title of this and see what I'm really about to say.
There is a video that has gone viral from the geniuses at Sesame Street, featuring a girl of colour singing her heart out about how she loves her hair.



The first I heard of it was this news report, and it made me smile. I loved that this man loved his daughter so much, he came up with a way, through his work , to show his little girl that her hair is beautiful just the way it is. I tracked it down and downloaded it for my little Grrl Cub (who at this point could care less that the Muppet loves her hair, she just cares that it's a Muppet), and so my whole family could see it. I am surprised at the strength of my feelings about this. I wish that something like this had been around when I was a Gatita. Had there been, perhaps I wouldn't have ever chemically altered my hair within an inch of its life, I dunno. Perhaps my mami wouldn't have ever taken me to the salon to get it done for the convenience and ease of styling it (for her). I thought it was a brilliant masterstroke from the head writer, Joey Mazzarino. Sesame Street has always been a game changer, from how children were taught, to how the death of a loved one should be dealt with. They have always had the balls to change the game. And they're doing it again...and people are pissed.

The main complaint I am hearing is that Sesame Street shouldn't have made it a "race thing", that it should've been a message for everyone with kinky hair. What these people fail to realise is that the song was mainly made for a little girl who didn't like her hair...a little AFRICAN girl.

 Go back and read the article, watch the news segment, and the video. I'll wait.

I can't believe how many people are bugging over this. I actually commented on a story featuring it, because I was so fed up w/the ignorance--the literally "not-knowing-ness" of those who just didn't get it:

For those of you "concerned" about this being a message geared towards ONLY African-American girls, I think you ought to see the backstory on why this song and video happened to begin with:
http://abcnews.go.com/WN/sesame-street-writer-inspired-daughter-creates-love-hair/story?id=11908940
For those of you that can't view that...Joey Mazzarino is a longtime Sesame Street writer, and he and his wife adopted a girl from Ethiopia. And like many of us girls with Afro-textured hair, she was bombarded w/images of Barbie and women with straight hair, which in this society, is deemed the beauty standard. She wondered why her hair wasn't straight, and she wanted hair like that to the point her father decided to make something for her to show her that her hair is beautiful the way it is. And it worked, according to him. She no longer feels that way. So, technically, YES--it WAS made for someone w/ Afro-textured hair, but ended up being a universal message for ANYONE WHO CAN IDENTIFY WITH IT. I think many of us would agree that if this segment had been around when we were in our formative years, we would have accepted our hair as is and learned to love it...like Joey's daughter.
For God's sake, stop getting all hung up on who it's aimed at and accept the message? Please?

Even after writing that, people still were bent on "it shouldn't be limited to black girls--it should be for everyone!" Whatever! What I said above is how I really feel on the subject. Yes, it was made for someone with Afro-textured hair. SFW?! If you can identify w/the message because you have bad unruly kinky hair, is it really such a big deal to you that it wasn't a little Latina/Jewish/Caucasian Muppet singing the damned song?
The only reason why it was a (presumably) African-American Muppet is because Joey's daughter needed someone who looked like her that she could identify with. Gawd. Get OVER it.
The ultimate message is: LOVE WHO THE HELL YOU ARE. Hair and all. Take it, drink it in, use it, and have a nice frosty bowl of STFU. Quityerbxtchin.



And in case you're wondering...yup--I have hair under my synthlox. And it is natural. Why the synthlox, you ask? I like them...end of story. I love that I can make my hair just about any colour--and I like my wild colours....I can do this w/o damaging it. I'm always changing it because I get bored easily. For some reason, I feel really at home in the synthlox. I get laughed at-- I got laughed at before by people when I wanted to install them ten years ago, only to see the same people go and get loc extensions themselves. It's okay, though. I don't wear them for anyone but myself.
Right now, I'm into this look... and growing my natural hair--which is to my shoulders when pulled taut--out underneath. Maybe someday I'll run around w/it permanently. Maybe I'll put a texturiser through it (it really hurts to comb my hair sometimes, LOL, and I can get it to still look Afro while making it easier on my comb). Who knows? Who cares? It's my freakin' hair...and I do love it.