This. Stops. NOW.

GTFO. Bye.

I have been systematically removing all that is not best for my growth or that no longer serves as a positive force in my life--people, places, things, and ideas. Not things that might be challenging or uncomfortable, but shxt that is straight toxic.

Predators posing as house pets. People who say things that cause me to doubt and/or question my own power, or cause me to feel bad about myself--even if they are family. Dismissive, self-important/self-centered people. People who project their own negative beliefs ("I'm old/getting old/too old to change, learn, do something, or better myself" i.e.: "I'm set in my ways so fxck dat") onto myself and others. People who insult me in the guise of humour, or who insult me and then try to clean it up with flattery (like that makes it better. Making someone you care about feel like shxt isn't funny, cute, or constructive--it's poisonous).

Oh, really? You gotta go.

Stagnant energy, anything that hinders, including my and other people's harmful careless thoughts and beliefs. This is up to and including the use of the old name, because if I asked that it not be used and people keep doing so, or refuse to respect my wish to address me by my TRUE name for the sake of their or another's convenience, I take that as they wish me ill or they wan fi test me, and those people have NO place in my life.

Oh, HELL no...👏you. 👏Gotta. 👏GEAUX.

Thoughts are things; words carry energy...and I will not allow that dead-body energy around me. The old name carries that sort of energy. Those limiting beliefs have that sort of energy. Any and all of that needs to go. I have tolerated these, whether they be people, places, or things for too long, and I refuse to allow it in my life anymore. 5D>3D.

No more going along to get along, because that seemed to lead to trouble every time I did it (The TestosterXONE, NCC, certain business deals and purrsonal relationships). No more tolerating  abusive behaviour disguised as "it's just business". No more allowing people to use me or others around me. I will trust my intuition, and yeet this stuff away from me and mine. If it even smells slightly deadly, it's gotta go.

Yeet.

I used to have a three-strikes rule, which got whittled down to one-strike reeeeeal quick once I learnt I was better than that. I used to give second and third chances. I stopped doing that years ago. Realising that I was in relationships with two malignant narcs and friends with narcs--that I was RAISED by narcs-- has FINALLY taught me to guard my energy from ANYONE who even vaguely looks like they are coming for it. I will 👏cut. 👏You. 👏OFF.✂

Nope.

I'm not giving anyone a gun to try to shoot me again because they missed me the first time. "Fxck" and "that"--in that order. I believe in ✂cutting✂ the tumours out, now. I won't live with the disease anymore; it's gotta get cured.

Yeet again. (Another one I had to make but I didn't save the first one. Oops. via GIPHY)

Humility, Motherfxcker--Do You Speak It?!

"Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less."--C. S. Lewis

"The first test of a truly great man is his humility. By humility I don't mean doubt of his powers or hesitation in speaking his opinion, but merely an understanding of the relationship of what he can say and what he can do." --John Ruskin

I chose that title because it was the first thing I thought of when I got the notion to write this. I'd thought of  the proceeding incidents, and then of the catalyst of said incidents, and then realised the type of mindset I was actually dealing with...let's just say the type you take with a very tiny grain of salt.
That, and I thought of Sam Jackson's line in Pulp Fiction.

It was brought to my attention awhile back that because I am dead honest about my strengths and my weaknesses, certain people had some really stupid names to call me. I need to mention, I suppose, that these aforementioned people wouldn't know humility from the hole in their arse, so I imagine such a concept is lost on them if they think me pointing these things out about myself is stupid.

Anyway...I've also noticed that people also take this as me being "down on myself". Now while I will be first to admit I have a tendency to be a bit self-deprecating, in this life I am less about putting myself down and more about being brutally honest with myself, contrary to what some people would have you think. All I ever do is take inventory.

One thing I've noticed--and especially amongst people of colour--AND amongst those in my genre-- is if you're not constantly bragging about how badass you are, or what shxt you have, or how many bxtches/nxggas you pull, or how yer "living/lovinglife and doing you", you pretty much are negative, or worse, nothing. If you state the situation as real as it is, you are accused of being negative. It's always the realist that's negative. It's not even about putting it into the air, so much as putting it into the air so you know where you stand, and can begin to assess and change it.

I have never been a person to assert things about myself that weren't true. At all. I know what my strengths are. I just don't go round overtly beating the world over the head with it. I'm an emcee; of course at some point I'm gonna be like, "I can turn a phrase/leave yer ass amazed" or some shxt like that (see what I did there?). It's my job. But I'm not gonna flat-out lie, or "fake it till I make it". Just not my style. I've pushed down sadness to get through things, but not before I've gone off and had a bit of a vent about it somewhere someone couldn't see. Not everything is meant for the world's eyes.

I know what my weaknesses are. I don't let everyone know about all of them, but I don't hide them all, either. Some are glaringly obvious and I will alert people to them if I feel it's necessary, partly because it allows me to improve. I don't see how that makes me negative, or a "dunce" (Jesus, what an old-fashioned word). If anything, it makes me very aware of who I am, which is more than can be said for a lot of people. In that, I think there's positivity. What could be more positive than honesty? Yawl talk all this noise about "keeping it real" and get mad when someone actually does. Wow.

I was always taught to be humble. Sometimes I think it was drilled home a little too hard, in that the result is I don't run around tooting my own horn like an egomaniac. Sometimes you have to toot your own horn to the right people. Yet if you're a party horn trying to come off like a vuvuzela...that's a problem.

Cocky does not equal confident. There seem to be a lot of people deluding themselves on that. If you have to constantly yell at the world how great you are, then you must not really be that great. The world can see right through veneers like that. Why bother, when I could just be me? If I'm not good enough for you, then fxck you, basically. I'll find those I AM good enough for.

Behaving as if I have delusions of grandeur just isn't me. I told yawl "straight, no chaser" and I meant it.
So, when someone says I'm "acting big and bad", they couldn't BE more wrong. Sometimes people can project their own fail onto others; they assume that's how the person they are accusing of that is behaving because it's something THEY themselves would do, when the reality is they couldn't be further from the truth. Leave your ego in its case. Don't hang it on me like a petulant child.

And don't judge me if I should say something that you perceive as "negative" or me putting myself down. Look closer. You might see the rarest of truths.

25-Day Song Challenge--DAY 2

Day 02: A song that reminds you of your most recent ex-boyfriend/girlfriend.

This is a DUMB one.
Hmmm...and difficult.
I got it.
I guess this would be told from the POV of the ex--as if they're speaking. Or maybe it's all I heard whenever they talked towards the end--even well BEFORE the end, but, y'know, brainwashing'll make you forget and overlook shxt.





Liar--Rollins Band
...'nuff said.

Music's Heart/Soulprint...

It is really amazing how much music can affect how you feel, how you perceive the world, how much your life can be echoed by another person's lyrics. It's no small feat that hearing a song, whether you liked it or not, can take you right back to where you were, what you were doing, and who you were with when you heard it...when you lived it. Especially if you are an artist who either makes or uses music on a regular basis-- I don't mean just listening to it; I mean IMMERSING yourself in that shxt like it's a bath...wearing it like your favourite shirt. Breathing it. Carrying it.
We all have at least one song that, to put it mildly, eviscerates you, rips you from asshole to scalp and makes no apologies for it. It feels like swords sliding through your heart all at once....right up to the hilt, and you are dead in the water, with no-one to put it in a box for you so it beats forever...sorry. Too many viewings of POtC: Dead Man's Chest.
In my "past life", I had SEVERAL such songs. I couldn't listen to any of them w/o nausea, dizziness, and my heart beating a mile a minute. My gut felt like it had been kissed passionately by a steel-toe boot. I ached soooo much. I felt like I was bleeding out. You know the feeling. I even had a whole album like that. So for years, I avoided such songs like the proverbial plague.


The song here was one of those songs.
I associated this and many other songs with a time in that life that should've been happy, but which really was an out-and-out lie. I carried that burden with me, couldn't even hear the first two notes of the song without diving for the radio or the tv to kill it DEAD before it could get going. It hurt too much.
At some point, in the new life, I decided that I would do an exercise that I learned called "blowing pictures". The pictures the practise is referring to are embedded in your auric field, and can affect your life heavily. You may not even know why. You basically destroy that picture, and heal that spot in your aura. Some pictures are stubborn and you have to do the task over and over to make it stick.
I combined this technique with a cord-cutting visualisation and another technique involving connecting your timeline to change things in your past. It is S T R O N G work, lemme tell ya. And it WORX.
I am happy to say that this beautiful song (and that aforementioned album, for that matter) does NOT NOT NOT have the effect it had before. I can listen to it with no ill effects. It's so freeing to be able to listen to WTH I want w/o feeling imprisoned in pain.
It's wonderful.
How cule is that? I'm freakin' ecstatic about it!
The song has a different energy; a different heart/soulprint for me now. I'll say it again: it's. WONDERFUL.
I can breathe...