This. Stops. NOW.

GTFO. Bye.

I have been systematically removing all that is not best for my growth or that no longer serves as a positive force in my life--people, places, things, and ideas. Not things that might be challenging or uncomfortable, but shxt that is straight toxic.

Predators posing as house pets. People who say things that cause me to doubt and/or question my own power, or cause me to feel bad about myself--even if they are family. Dismissive, self-important/self-centered people. People who project their own negative beliefs ("I'm old/getting old/too old to change, learn, do something, or better myself" i.e.: "I'm set in my ways so fxck dat") onto myself and others. People who insult me in the guise of humour, or who insult me and then try to clean it up with flattery (like that makes it better. Making someone you care about feel like shxt isn't funny, cute, or constructive--it's poisonous).

Oh, really? You gotta go.

Stagnant energy, anything that hinders, including my and other people's harmful careless thoughts and beliefs. This is up to and including the use of the old name, because if I asked that it not be used and people keep doing so, or refuse to respect my wish to address me by my TRUE name for the sake of their or another's convenience, I take that as they wish me ill or they wan fi test me, and those people have NO place in my life.

Oh, HELL no...👏you. 👏Gotta. 👏GEAUX.

Thoughts are things; words carry energy...and I will not allow that dead-body energy around me. The old name carries that sort of energy. Those limiting beliefs have that sort of energy. Any and all of that needs to go. I have tolerated these, whether they be people, places, or things for too long, and I refuse to allow it in my life anymore. 5D>3D.

No more going along to get along, because that seemed to lead to trouble every time I did it (The TestosterXONE, NCC, certain business deals and purrsonal relationships). No more tolerating  abusive behaviour disguised as "it's just business". No more allowing people to use me or others around me. I will trust my intuition, and yeet this stuff away from me and mine. If it even smells slightly deadly, it's gotta go.

Yeet.

I used to have a three-strikes rule, which got whittled down to one-strike reeeeeal quick once I learnt I was better than that. I used to give second and third chances. I stopped doing that years ago. Realising that I was in relationships with two malignant narcs and friends with narcs--that I was RAISED by narcs-- has FINALLY taught me to guard my energy from ANYONE who even vaguely looks like they are coming for it. I will 👏cut. 👏You. 👏OFF.✂

Nope.

I'm not giving anyone a gun to try to shoot me again because they missed me the first time. "Fxck" and "that"--in that order. I believe in ✂cutting✂ the tumours out, now. I won't live with the disease anymore; it's gotta get cured.

Yeet again. (Another one I had to make but I didn't save the first one. Oops. via GIPHY)

I Need To Be Free! (or: "I Need To Dance...Like, NOW"*)

The need to shake my kitteh tail is O. VER. WHELMING.

I...must...DANCE!!!

I don't mean like, go-to-the-club dance...I mean put-in-like-five-or-six-hours-a-day-in-rehearsal dance.
I used to go to a dance academy on a scholarship when I was a teen, taking five disciplines in one week...and then had to go and TEACH dance in the middle of all that. My body actually misses doing this. I think it was the happiest time of my life...with the exception of ballet, because I am low to the ground. I preferred the grounded-ness of hip-hop and house styles. But I still loved ballet in spite of myself. This time in school even helped inspire my first novel...but that's a different subject altogether. (^_^)

It's funny... because as a Gatita, I had absolutely NO rhythm. Couldn't even jump rope. Man, did I get made fun of! But eventually, with some guidance (thank you, mi amor) and some practise on my own (and a fxckton of music videos), I got it together. Yet, I eventually let it fall by the wayside.

Why?

 I think being responsible and putting all my focus into being a mami, dealing with depression, then not going out to dance as much until I stopped altogether...plus being forced to hide my light under a bushel in certain relationships... then the weight gain-- all of that took its toll. And it didn't help when people in my own camp seemed to belittle the dance part of this brand. Never mind that most of the music involved in it is danceable.

Well... since dance is a big part of the GATA Experience, I have to pull up bootstraps and get dance-ready again. And with Peace's help/participation, I'm slamming myself back into a disciplined bootcamp thing. I need to do this for me and for my spirit...gotta be happy, y'know?

Well, mebbe not THIS happy. But close.

I'll be sharing as much of this journey as my pride will allow. You know us felines. We're a proud bunch. We don't like for folx to see us fall on our faces-- even though when we do, we get up and act like it never happened and totes ignore those who maliciously point it out.

Whoopsie. And recovery!

We'd rather show you all the times we land on our feet with grace. But I believe grace is also showing vulnerability as well--divine grace. What better reason, I ask you?
It's going to take some time, but I hope to be back to fighting form in a few months at the least with the plan I have for myself. The body doesn't forget...even though there's folx out there who think  mine has and I won't or I can't do this (::cough:: FXCK OFF!::cough::).

Okay... even better when Prince sez it.

So, GNOtaku--keep your eyes on my YouTube channel to see me fall on my face get my kitteh shake on...if you wanna!

*reference to this...of course!

I've Been Putting This Off...

Not sure why. But I know I have been meaning to do it despite its personal subject matter. So get comfy, grab a coffee or something, cuz it's that kinda story.

I think a few posts back I mentioned that I'd lost a family member to cancer. Since then, I have lost some more family members to cancer, and last summer I found out that my eldest's sire is also being stalked by the beast, and that a few people in my working circle have either had scares or have also lost loved ones to this monster. It seemed inevitable that I might be in those ranks myself. Mind you; I wasn't being pessimistic--I was simply looking at it from an odds POV.

Let me tell you a bit about a personal slice of Past-Life:
When I was a teenager, I was sexually assaulted. Because of where I was at the time, it happened nearly nightly (give or take a night or two) for approximately a month. It is a long story I will not get into here, but I will say that it left me with a few parting gifts. ::severely sarcastic font on:: One of these gifts kept on giving, and its name was human papilloma virus.

It showed up as a blemish/wart on my cervix, which was biopsied, and then not explained to me nor was it heard from for years. I didn't even know it had a name--they made it sound like the simplest thing; they cut it off and poof-! Gone. It showed up again years later-- wart-on-cervix, biopsied, but that time the doctor I was seeing was kind enough to explain what it was. I was mortified...but then I remembered the term for the method they used to take the biopsy, and I had only ever heard the word once before in my life: when I had the first biopsy. It was "colposcopy". I put two and two together and asked, "So is it possible I've had it all this time?"
"Yes," doc said. "It could have lain dormant all this time."

 Didn't help me feel better. I was still mortified...but the doctor then reassured me that HPV was, in fact, so common, and there were so many strains of it, that eighty percent of the population have it, and/or probably will get it once in their lifetimes.
Eighty. Percent.
WTF.
Still didn't help me feel any better, LOL.

So, again, I didn't give it any more thought, save for me being responsible enough to tell past and current partners, even though it may not have been necessary (I was quite careful, and not all strains stick around). I figured radical acceptance was the way to go. It was what it was.

Last year around Yuletide, I got the news that I had an abnormal Pap, I would need yet another colposcopy-- which I got-- and when the results came back...I wasn't happy.

There are low-risk strains and high-risk strains of HPV. It turned out that I had a high-risk strain of HPV that is known to cause cancer, and that I was in what they called CIN 1 or mild cervical dysplasia. Also, LGSIL. Why this shxt has so many names is beyond me, but they all mean "Hey, you have abnormal and possibly precancerous cells on your cervix. You should prolly get that taken care of."

The doctor sat me down and explained what my options were. They sent the biopsy out for further study to see if I would need a surgical option. There were a few methods of killing the abnormal cells, and I had all of the ones he performed laid out before me. After much freaking out, I did what I do best: I researched the fxck out of things and armed myself with information. And the things I found weren't pretty, but they were supposed to save my life.

It turned out that the cells were abnormal enough to warrant a procedure called a LEEP conisation. That is a link to a description, but if you're feeling brave, go look it up on YouTube. I did. I had to know what was going to happen.

Hoo, buddy. I didn't see how a cervix could ever be normal again after that. I was scared and upset, but I knew it had to be done. I have cubs and a loving partner who need me.

My family was concerned--especially my Mami, who had tangled with cervical cancer herself so she was really, really worried. So was I, of course, but I just accepted it. It was what it was, and rather than crawl in a hole and wait for it to turn into thirty different things, I was going to do something about it.

I had the procedure earlier this year, and willed myself to heal. I had a follow-up shortly after, and was told they got all the abnormal cells and that I was healing nicely. I was told to come back for a follow-up Pap in a few months.
I recently had said Pap and am waiting for the results. The doctor did say to me that my cervix looked pretty good, so paws crossed.

I'm sharing this because I want you all, GNOtaku, to be careful. Back then, the vaccine for this didn't exist yet, and even now there is some debate as to whether or not it is effective or even safe for young people to have. The best course of action if you are already sexually active is to make sure you get an annual Pap smear, ladies, to stay on top of it. Guys, talk to your sexual partners ( as of this date there is no approved test for HPV "status" but there are tests to screen for cervical cancer in women 30 years and older), and everyone stay wrapped up. It's the responsibility of BOTH partners to bring and use condoms. The ultimate defense is to not have sex at all. In my case, unfortunately, I didn't have a choice or say in the matter.

HPV is sneaky in that most people don't even know they have it because there are no symptoms. Some might not know until they get genital warts or until other complications arise from it.

Read this and get the facts about it. Make sure you stay safe out there. Do your research about the vaccine and see if you are eligible to get it and if it is right for you. I'm not advocating the vaccine, but I'm not condemning it either. Find the best option for you.

I'm feeling pretty positive about my chances. I know that it is something I need to make sure I stay on top of if I want to stay healthy. I am making changes in my diet and lifestyle to ensure that I am less likely to have a problem down the road. I'm positive I'm going to be just fine.

Stay safe.

When I'm Stuck...

It's never fun to be stuck in a rut when you want to create something. I tried to describe the feeling once, and the best I could do was "It's like being pregnant with a LEGO sculpture and having to give birth to it brick by tedious brick."
I know. That WAS weird. But that's how it felt!
I mean, it's like I'll get a few things: a line here, a line there, an idea for a song over there. I jot them down straight away if I can. But have me sit and try to actually come up with a whole thing...it's rough.
I imagine it's due to stress, and stagnant energy. It's totally frustrating.
I have been told that I need to move from where I am to shake that up. Oh, but if it were that simple. Hopefully soon, where it is airy and sunny and I can go connect with the earth if I need to. I think that's something everyone has to do every once in awhile...
I used to dance to free up energy, but I don't so much anymore. It just doesn't bring me the same joy it did in my Past-life...at least for now. I think it was smothered out of me by a few key toxic relationships that used to be a part of my life. Maybe later, my view on that will change. Now when I stress, I sing it out, even though my voice isn't the best. But I feel that in my heart, and I just have to get it out...and what songs I choose are ultimately up to how I feel, the ones that I'm making an emotional connection with at the time. It feels good. Somehow, music has always been able to do that for me.
Not much to this blog...but thought I'd share.