Regarding The Song Whose Title I Won’t Post In This Blog Title

Hey, minna-san...
I know-- it's been like literally a year since I last posted. I have to admit it's because I just kind of fell off. I had no net for a minute, and then I was just still trying to figure out what I wanted to do with the design of the site and everything. Plus touring and making re-release plans for "P.R.O.W.L.", raising my clowder...it's been a lot. So I apologise.

This is long, so getcher popcorn ready, GNOtaku.

I wrote a note on Facebook awhile back about one of the songs on "P.R.O.W.L." that I got into a row with one of my team about; a title I cannot really mention here due to issues brought on by a narcissistic entity. Someone took it upon themselves to trademark a phrase that I had been using for years because they were butthurt that 0 Fxcks Given has been my policy for dealing with them for nearly the past ten years. That, and a party thrown last year after freaking Newark Comic Con. Petty revenge-- usual modus operandi for them, I suppose, to throw a monkey wrench in my plans per the norm. Stop "the bomb from becoming".

Another one I had to make. It happens.

Get over it, Veruca. The bomb is still becoming. The bomb is ALWAYS becoming.

...but I digress. That's the abridged version of the backstory.

The argument was that I was “too talented” to just "write responses" to the aforementioned person, and I needed to start writing hits, which, in their opinion, I was good at doing. As if writing responses to them is all I ever do--like that's my whole catalogue.

Which, whether or not they want to accept it, the song I’m referring to above (which I also cannot post here) is decidedly not.

In 2011, after Y E A R S of taking shxt and abuse from her camp and fanbase--up to and including death threats to myself and some GNOtaku--I finally decided to tell my side of things in the way I knew to express myself best--I fxcking rhymed the shxt out of it.




I argued, “No-- this ^^^ was the response to her.” Like, six fxcking years ago...

I argued that they were gonna think what they wanted, no matter what I said, since they had it in their head that E V E R Y T H I N G I bloody do is a response to her--much like she does, come to that. I said I can’t worry about what other people think on what I do, or how it looks to the neighbours. Did too much of that in Past-Life (pre-GATA); ain’t nobody got time for that shxt now.

I will admit, now that I think about it (and I actually have said this out loud before), that I have a lot to purge about the stuff that is still happening, the stuff I haven’t addressed, the stuff the babymomma was doing, the shxt they did to both of us together that I feel I truly need to get rid of. IDGAFF if they hear it, cuz it’s not for them.

It’s for me. To cleanse me. My own form of therapy. Not everything has to be a diss track or a response.

But, again, just to be clear--and for those in the rafters not tryna hear me:

THE SONG THAT I MENTION BUT AM NOT POSTING IS NOT ABOUT OR A RESPONSE FOR THAT PERSON.

The argument got so heated--with supposed examples to back it up on their end (of which they admitted they had no source but themselves)--that I eventually had to abruptly end the conversation. I was frustrated beyond frustrated. WTF. Why is this even an issue?

I even asked them if they REALLY listened to the lyrics of the song. I mean...they should have done, for good reason, because this individual is in my camp. I’m guessing no...because if they had, they wouldn’t have fixed their face to say this to me, and argue me down about it.

It occurred to me that I should prolly just break down the lyrics.

Here I present the lyrics, broken down, to the song. I should probably do this on Genius someday.




I came out swinging fighting for every single breath
(I was born with a condition that caused me to be born prematurely. I had to fight said condition to stay alive.)

Prolly keep on fighting till I lay down for my death
(Said because that seems to be my lot in life since my birth. I’ve had to fight many battles just to exist. I’m still fxcking fighting them and I imagine I will have to until I’m gone.)

They don’t make ‘em like me no more prolly never did
Dime a doz nah cuz you can see I’m not a typ

–ical chyck I’m a new brew for yer palate
(Well, that’s self-explanatory. I have always been different. The mold was broken, I’m not a dime a dozen, etc. I’m not what people expect when you say “hip-hop artist”. Or, “from Newark”, for that matter. “New brew”--different from what folx are used to. Tea metaphor.)

Hitting like Mjolnir or a cartoon mallet
(I might knock you for a loop like Thor’s hammer or one of those Looney Tunes Acme mallets, because you might not know what to make of me.)

That ain’t all folx (another Looney Tunes reference) I’m just getting gwan
I’m here to educate you on the vida of the nyan
(NYANVIDA--”nyan life”. My philosophy as such: The importance of being yourself and being brave enough to stand and roar your truth.)

Blackest cat on the block blackest sheep in the flock
No place in my race wouldn’t fit in a box
(I didn’t belong anywhere. Still don’t quite belong anywhere: “blackest sheep”. And people had trouble putting me in a niche, so I was always labeled “white”. So eff them--”blackest cat”.)

So I had no choice but to follow my voice
Rocking the box the new style bring the noise
(I decided to just be me, and rhyme what I rhyme, about what I choose, what was true for me, not for everyone else. I reference some of my  influences by their lyrics: Run-DMC, Beastie Boys, Public Enemy.)

I took the red pill evolved to black cat
Heralded my change and the clones don’t accept that
(“The Matrix” reference, meaning that I chose to follow truth [the red pill] and embraced who I am fully [the name change on all fronts, until I also did it legally] and there was and still is a tonne of opposition because I had the clitoral fortitude to do this for me, and we all know people hate what they don’t get, and are mad that they don’t have the nuts to do the same [a “glitch in their matrix”]. I evolved to Gata Negrra/ThaGataNegrra. Simply saying it aloud, writing it down repeatedly, that was the signal for the evolution. I was my own herald [“it happens when they change something”].)

Capitalise yeh I did it-- spay me never
You tore me down I pulled myself together
(Partly references the fact that I capitalise it [and had been capitalising it for years] for emphasis [GATA] and that I took me and ran with it. References being shat on for doing this, for shedding my Past-Life energy, for knowing that I am resilient. I didn’t stay broken.)

T-h-a G-a-t-a … N-e-g-r-r-a
T-r-u-e O-r-i-g-i-n-a-l G-a-t-a
Whatcha say whatcha say…
T-h-a G-a-t-a… N-e-g-r-r-a
T-r-u-e O-r-i-g-i-n-a-l G-a-t-a
All day all day
(Literally spelling it out for you. Affirming that this is me “all day”.)

There was a time when they thought Dei sold out
So I evolved transformed and rolled out
I bumped her off so there wouldn’t be no doubt
I wasn’t soft I was letting my bold out
(This is about Past-Lifer. I had a different name, the nickname for which was Dei [dee], and once I had been liberated of my place in my former tribe and went out on my own musically, there was criticism on several fronts that I had “gone soft” and “become a dance diva”. “You’re not supposed to be doing this type of shxt,” they said. That last came from a source that I trusted at the time; they may have lied about everything else, but on this they were spot on.

So, I “killed” her. I began again. I remember actually saying: “I’m gonna have to kill this bxtch” out loud. So I evolved--loudly. Or, more accurately: continued to evolve more loudly; the evolution was already happening before I realised it. The bomb was already becoming.
 You know where “transform and roll out” comes from.)

All I ever did was land on my feet
And the powers that be pointed that out to me
They said “Daughter go be ‘xactly who you meant to be
You are duality and adaptability
(This is referencing a dream/vision I had about Bast and Sekhmet. They were the ones who encouraged me to go full-on and reinvent myself. Also, cats land on their feet--more points to my resilience. Duality, meaning I’m both dark and light, sweet/tart, you get the idea. And adaptability speaks for itself.)

“Sun moon stars go and craft those bars
Break your chains show the world those scars
You earned them from a hard-won battle well-fought
Honour us honour you honour them with what you brought”
(Short version of O/our conversation in the vision. “Don’t be ashamed of all the scars you earned from your fight. Show them. Free yourself. Embrace yourself and all your flaws. By doing so, you honour Us, and in turn, yourself” and you, GNOtaku, by proxy, because it would be dishonourable to you for me to be phony. Kind of like that “freedom is power” speech in Catwoman, except for real.)

So I’m coming at you from my temple cell in the booth
Some nyan cuz it’s cute I nyan cuz it’s truth
You see me see me rock my nekomimi mimi while
Some do it for looks I do it cuz life and style
(I’m telling you this on record, in the recording booth, my room in my sanctuary; my habitat. Some say “nyan” [Japanese onomatopoeia for the sound a cat makes] because it’s cute/kawaii, but it’s a badge of honour for me as a cat grrrl [not that it’s not kawaii; it’s just not the main why]. I wear the ears/am a catgrrrl [nekomimi] while I do this because it’s part of who I am, not some fashion statement.)

T-h-a G-a-t-a … N-e-g-r-r-a
T-r-u-e O-r-i-g-i-n-a-l G-a-t-a
Whatcha say whatcha say…
T-h-a G-a-t-a… N-e-g-r-r-a
T-r-u-e O-r-i-g-i-n-a-l G-a-t-a

I am living breathing cognitive dissonance
(Weird, yes, I know. Cognitive dissonance is “the state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes, especially as relating to behavioral decisions and attitude change.” I said this because I am a lot of things that conflict with each other, and because people are always mixed in response to what I do [“hip-hop isn’t my thing but I like your music!”].)

Brix prowling straight sui generis
(“Sui generis” is “of his, her, its, or their own kind; unique”. “Brix prowling”--going around Newark...”Brick City”.)

Tragic beautiful abysmal princess
 (places I shopped, LOL)
DiosaAniManga serving cat grrrl realness
(“Anime/Manga Cat Goddyss”. Was actually labeled that by someone. “Serving catgrrrl realness”...showing you as much of my meowness as is allowed. “Serving realness” is a drag term. What can I say--I grew up around drag queens.)

This be the source my origin tale
Condensed to make sense on a much shorter scale
(Basically, what it sez: the short version of how I came to be who I am.)

I’m betting you expected me to go off the rails
Another one you’d love to call a grand epic fail
(My haters, going all the way back to kittenhood, always pray to their petty gods for me to fail, but I haven’t gone anywhere. They expected me to commit suicide, to not do my music, to fade away quietly. These are things that haven’t happened.)

My evolution wasn’t televised so
Folx think I’m that chyck from long time ago
(People who knew me in Past-Life think I am the same person I was then. I’m not. Very few of them had a front-row seat to me changing [“wasn’t televised”] so they are running off old information. Is a reference to Gil Scott-Heron’s “The Revolution Will Not Be Televised”.)
(I love how in the most recent "Black Panther" trailer they use that piece.)

Nine lives close scrapes unscathed bring hate
Reinvent new paint same core same strength
(It is said that cats have nine lives. Beginning to wonder if that’s true considering the fact that I should be dead a few times over. I’ve had some close calls, but got out mostly intact. Because of this, the haters hate me--I haven’t gone away, as I’ve already pointed out. I may have reinvented myself, but don’t worry--I am still the best parts of me, the parts you liked.)

I’m the original and the improvement
Brand upgrades with every thought every movement
(Self-explanatory. I’ve been called a trendsetter, there are people who have done “me” verbatim [but without realness] or followed my example, and because I continue to get better all the time, I am the improvement of myself. I’m constantly upgrading to a better me.)

You thought you knew but you had no idea
And I ain’t done it’s just the tip of the spear
(A nod to MTV’s “Diary” which usually ended its intros with “you think you know, but you have no idea”. Means that people only know what they’ve heard, but not my story until now. I’m not done, you haven’t seen anything yet--I said “spear” because “iceberg” doesn’t rhyme, LOL.)

T-h-a G-a-t-a … N-e-g-r-r-a
T-r-u-e O-r-i-g-i-n-a-l G-a-t-a
Whatcha say whatcha say…
T-h-a G-a-t-a… N-e-g-r-r-a
T-r-u-e O-r-i-g-i-n-a-l G-a-t-a
All day all day

That’s...pretty much it. If you read this far, arigato. I appreciate it. I hope it gave you a bit more insight into the lyrics, and in turn, who I am and what I was really saying.

I've Been Putting This Off...

Not sure why. But I know I have been meaning to do it despite its personal subject matter. So get comfy, grab a coffee or something, cuz it's that kinda story.

I think a few posts back I mentioned that I'd lost a family member to cancer. Since then, I have lost some more family members to cancer, and last summer I found out that my eldest's sire is also being stalked by the beast, and that a few people in my working circle have either had scares or have also lost loved ones to this monster. It seemed inevitable that I might be in those ranks myself. Mind you; I wasn't being pessimistic--I was simply looking at it from an odds POV.

Let me tell you a bit about a personal slice of Past-Life:
When I was a teenager, I was sexually assaulted. Because of where I was at the time, it happened nearly nightly (give or take a night or two) for approximately a month. It is a long story I will not get into here, but I will say that it left me with a few parting gifts. ::severely sarcastic font on:: One of these gifts kept on giving, and its name was human papilloma virus.

It showed up as a blemish/wart on my cervix, which was biopsied, and then not explained to me nor was it heard from for years. I didn't even know it had a name--they made it sound like the simplest thing; they cut it off and poof-! Gone. It showed up again years later-- wart-on-cervix, biopsied, but that time the doctor I was seeing was kind enough to explain what it was. I was mortified...but then I remembered the term for the method they used to take the biopsy, and I had only ever heard the word once before in my life: when I had the first biopsy. It was "colposcopy". I put two and two together and asked, "So is it possible I've had it all this time?"
"Yes," doc said. "It could have lain dormant all this time."

 Didn't help me feel better. I was still mortified...but the doctor then reassured me that HPV was, in fact, so common, and there were so many strains of it, that eighty percent of the population have it, and/or probably will get it once in their lifetimes.
Eighty. Percent.
WTF.
Still didn't help me feel any better, LOL.

So, again, I didn't give it any more thought, save for me being responsible enough to tell past and current partners, even though it may not have been necessary (I was quite careful, and not all strains stick around). I figured radical acceptance was the way to go. It was what it was.

Last year around Yuletide, I got the news that I had an abnormal Pap, I would need yet another colposcopy-- which I got-- and when the results came back...I wasn't happy.

There are low-risk strains and high-risk strains of HPV. It turned out that I had a high-risk strain of HPV that is known to cause cancer, and that I was in what they called CIN 1 or mild cervical dysplasia. Also, LGSIL. Why this shxt has so many names is beyond me, but they all mean "Hey, you have abnormal and possibly precancerous cells on your cervix. You should prolly get that taken care of."

The doctor sat me down and explained what my options were. They sent the biopsy out for further study to see if I would need a surgical option. There were a few methods of killing the abnormal cells, and I had all of the ones he performed laid out before me. After much freaking out, I did what I do best: I researched the fxck out of things and armed myself with information. And the things I found weren't pretty, but they were supposed to save my life.

It turned out that the cells were abnormal enough to warrant a procedure called a LEEP conisation. That is a link to a description, but if you're feeling brave, go look it up on YouTube. I did. I had to know what was going to happen.

Hoo, buddy. I didn't see how a cervix could ever be normal again after that. I was scared and upset, but I knew it had to be done. I have cubs and a loving partner who need me.

My family was concerned--especially my Mami, who had tangled with cervical cancer herself so she was really, really worried. So was I, of course, but I just accepted it. It was what it was, and rather than crawl in a hole and wait for it to turn into thirty different things, I was going to do something about it.

I had the procedure earlier this year, and willed myself to heal. I had a follow-up shortly after, and was told they got all the abnormal cells and that I was healing nicely. I was told to come back for a follow-up Pap in a few months.
I recently had said Pap and am waiting for the results. The doctor did say to me that my cervix looked pretty good, so paws crossed.

I'm sharing this because I want you all, GNOtaku, to be careful. Back then, the vaccine for this didn't exist yet, and even now there is some debate as to whether or not it is effective or even safe for young people to have. The best course of action if you are already sexually active is to make sure you get an annual Pap smear, ladies, to stay on top of it. Guys, talk to your sexual partners ( as of this date there is no approved test for HPV "status" but there are tests to screen for cervical cancer in women 30 years and older), and everyone stay wrapped up. It's the responsibility of BOTH partners to bring and use condoms. The ultimate defense is to not have sex at all. In my case, unfortunately, I didn't have a choice or say in the matter.

HPV is sneaky in that most people don't even know they have it because there are no symptoms. Some might not know until they get genital warts or until other complications arise from it.

Read this and get the facts about it. Make sure you stay safe out there. Do your research about the vaccine and see if you are eligible to get it and if it is right for you. I'm not advocating the vaccine, but I'm not condemning it either. Find the best option for you.

I'm feeling pretty positive about my chances. I know that it is something I need to make sure I stay on top of if I want to stay healthy. I am making changes in my diet and lifestyle to ensure that I am less likely to have a problem down the road. I'm positive I'm going to be just fine.

Stay safe.